Tuesday, Apr. 29, 2014 4:49 p.m.
mom x2
Baby Boy S was born on Thurs. 4/24. Everything's been all aflutter with excitement since then. I'm home alone with baby for a very brief moment. I'm sure I'll type out a proper birth story eventually. I like those documenting those kinds of things. Giving birth really really really is a crazy and awesome thing.
Both our moms are in town. I think they are trying to outdo each other with their spoiling of us. They are completely redoing our backyard area. Buying new stuff for the kitchen, for the baby, for C. I'm thankful for all if it. Very thankful. It's stuff we can't afford ourselves. It makes our house feel a bit nicer and not so sad and poor. But these things also aren't necessary. And as much as I love being spoiled, it's hard accepting it when, secretly, deep down, I know it's not what we really NEED. What we need is $750 to pay the rest of the midwife fee. Or grocery store gift cards, or gas gift cards, or Amazon gift cards, or Target gift cards. Things to help us get through the upcoming months that are going to be financially difficult. Or maybe some Starbucks git cards so K can get away to work more often.
So it's just weird. We're being showered in gifts right now, and I appreciate our moms wanting to help us and they seem to be so excited about everything they are buying us, and we'll of course use it - but I also feel so overwhelmed by it all too. I'm used to being poor and making do with what we have. This feels so over indulgent.
HOWEVER, in baby news - oh my gosh, I'm in love. I completely forgot how amazing newborns are. I'm absolutely in awe of him. I stare at his tiny eyes as he looks around, trying to figure out and see the world. I marvel - ABSOLUTELY MARVEL - that he was just inside me. I don't think I realized how crazy it is to have a fully formed infant inside you. I know that there's all different stages of pregnancy, and that a baby growing inside you doesn't always look like this and isn't able to function in the outside world in the early stages - but goodness gracious, I don't know how anyone could ever look at an unborn baby and not already think of them as living human. The ability to create and bring life into the world is miraculous.
He's perfect.
And here I thought that I was going to suffer horrible postpartum depression. I mean, I guess I still may, once all this wears off and once the visitors leave and I'm stuck juggling two small kids still without an idea where our lives are going.
But right now, in this exact moment, I'm just very happy. Exhausted, and everything's a bit chaotic (and I'm a little bit in pain due to these huge engorged breasts - seriously, the early days of breastfeeding are the worst), but supremely happy. Nothing else in the world matters at all right now except being a mom to Little Baby S and Big Sister C.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.