Friday, Apr. 22, 2011 3:21 p.m.

Is judging others ALWAYS bad?

I've been a member of an online message board for women trying to conceive or pregnant or a new mom for a couple years now. I usually choose to stay out of the drama and naturally arises from a group of hormonal women and instead focus on the educational and supportive aspects of the board. However, I do sometimes notice that threads start to get heated and when they do, there's always someone who jumps in and says "no one should ever judge someone else" or something of that sort. I've been thinking about this for awhile now, and I think I'd finally like to comment on this concept:

Judging others.

On the surface, the word "judging" seems harsh and negative and something that we're not supposed to do. But the more I think about it, the more I'm kind of disagreeing with this notion. Because the truth is: humans do judge other humans - and it's this ability to make quick judgments about people and situations that allows us to survive in the world, professionally, socially, and physically.

So why exactly are we so critical of this natural tendency to judge?

Now I understand that while one may make a certain judgment call about a person (or a situation) - that what people are talking about when they say "don't judge" is how a person then reacts to that judgment they've made. For example, I may find a person's lifestyle decision to be dangerous, and I am fine to think what I'd like, but it's only once I say something to that person about it, do other people then consider me to be "judging them".

But inherently, what is so wrong with judgment? If my car broke down in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't get cell reception and two people approached me to help, how is it wrong for me to use my judgment to choose the clean cut mom with kids than the creepy looking middle-aged guy? Sure, I have absolutely no way of knowing that the lady with kids is not really a murderer, but I had to make a judgment and quick judgement I made had to be based on appearances.

What if I'm in a position at work where I need to delegate some tasks to some coworkers that I haven't worked with closely in a professional environment before, and only know a little about socially? I choose to place the brunt of the responsibility on the coworker who recently had an article published in a national magazine instead of the coworker who recently publicly cheated on her second husband with another coworker. Was it wrong of me to judge these two people and assume that one may be more responsible that the other? Why? I had to choose and I had to choose based on the limited information I had about them. Would the adulterous woman perhaps have done a better job at the task? Sure, it's possible, but I went with what I thought was the best decision based on what I knew about the two people.

Let's say I was looking for a neighborhood babysitter for my child. Two teen girls live on my block and have offered to babysit. One girl always comes across as well mannered and her family are respected members of the local church. The other girl often wakes up the neighborhood when her boyfriend brings her home late at night on his very loud motorcycle, and then usually proceeds to heavily make out with him in the front yard before both of them go inside together. Is it wrong of me to judge and choose the first teen over the second? Why? I have to make a judgement based on something.

In all of these hypothetical situations, I made a judgment call by judging two people. And though I may not actually confront the person I'm judging against, I'm still judging their behavior and consider one of them to have done actions that are better than the other. I judged the man for being creepy-looking; I judged the coworker for cheating and for already having one failed marriage; I judged the teen for what I consider to be reckless behavior for her age.

And as much as I try to wrap my head around it, I don't fully understand why it's considered "bad" for me to have made these judgments.

Ok, now let's consider that one of these three people I instinctively judged confronts me as to why I made the decision that I did. I tend to be an honest person, so if asked, I would likely tell the truth (perhaps I shouldn't, but that's a different topic). At that point, if I tell them that considered them creepy-looking, or unreliable, or irresponsible, people would say I was judging them and that I was wrong to judge them.

But really - was I wrong to judge them? Or wrong to explain why I judged them?

There's women who post on these message boards with all kind of things that, to be honest, I do judge them for. If a woman in her mid-20s who already has three children with three different men, but is trying to conceive with her current-boyfriend-that-she-thinks-is-the-one-but-they-haven't-discussed-marriage-yet and she's freaking out that its been 3 months and she's not pregnant - do I judge this woman? Yes, I do; I'll be honest. Am I going to get on the boards and publicly chastise her? No. But I may politely encourage her be patient and that it often takes a long time and that if she feels like her boyfriend is the one, that shes still young and that they have time and that they might want to confirm their future together before bringing another child into the mix. Is this being judgemental of me to say this? Some people would think so. But I don't think there is anything wrong with politely voicing what I'm already thinking: that this particular woman might be better off if she focuses on settling into a healthy relationship first before creating another child that may/may not have a father in its life.

So...my big question in this entry is: when is it considered "acceptable" for us to judge others? Personally, the more I think about it, the more I think that being able to judge, even judge other people, is an important part of not only our personal survival, but also the survival of our society. While I definitely think that there are more polite and kind ways of judging than than others - I think that being allowed to make these judgement calls on what we consider acceptable and unacceptable behavior is what keeps our society in check and able to function at all.

So should we really never judge another person for anything? Or should we learn how to respectfully judge and politely confront, and in turn learn ourselves how to accept being respectfully judged and politely confronted?

I would actually love to see a world where the latter is an accepted norm instead of our current world where any judgment at all is considered automatic discrimination.

previous | next