Last week, K and the guy he's co-writing his episode with were told by the creators that they have to show one of their actresses fully nude at the beginning of their episode. So K had to write a nude scene. In and out of itself, this is not a big deal (I mean, come'on, the entire show is about a male prostitute and there's obviously a lot of sex scenes), but I think this is the first full-nudity scene they've done on the show AND because K is one of the writers - he'll be on the closed set while they are shooting it.

I've long ago accepted the subject nature of his show, and though it is not something I'm shouting from the rooftops and encouraging people to watch (it's a good show, but not for all tastes...and probably not mine had I not a husband who works on it), I'm fine with it. I think of it almost as a sacrifice, or a duty that must be done. He must use his current position to get to somewhere better. He didn't choose this show; this show is just what happened to work out for him.

I know he didn't want to write the nude scene and I know he feels awkward that it will be the opening to the first things he's ever written, but it's also strange to me to actually think about it. I know it's show business, I know it's just a nude body. I know it will only be for short periods of time and be tastefully done. But knowing that nudity and sex are commonplace things in my husbands workplace does make me feel as though the importance and intimacy of sex in our own marriage is somewhat diminished.

I know K works so hard. I know he wants to make me happy. I know he wants to be successful. I know that he knows that I'm already feeling unfulfilled with many things in my life...and he's trying to do the best he can. I know that he didn't have to tell me what's happening in his episode and could have lied about being on set during those scenes. So I try not to say anything. I try to be very supportive. I try to not let these things bother me. It's just show business afterall, right? None of it's real. Right?

But it still does make me feel a little weird when I think that he's going to be paid to watch a live naked woman and two people simulating sex. And that I, as the wife, am just supposed to sit back and accept that this is a normal thing for a husband to have to do.

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.