2002-04-26 6:39 a.m.
best friends?
I probably shouldn't be writing right now seeing as how my best friend is here and she's waiting to get on the computer and check her mail, but I've been feeling like I need to get on here for so long. I know I won't be able to say any of the things I need to, though.
OK, so my friend is here. It's really nice because I have someone to go and do stuff with and it's also nice that my internships are over!! :) However, we got into a long discussion last night over dinner and I actually told her what I believed about religion and God and Christianity. I really am becoming much more self-confident about myself. I mean, I actually told her a lot of stuff I had been holding in for years. So, that was a really good thing, and it still sounds like she loves me and won't judge and hate me!!
However, it's still kind of weird. We are turning into complete opposites. And that scares me. I'm afraid that one day she'll get the mindset of this high and mighty christain missionary person and believe that I'm going to hell and not want to be my friend. We seriously have switched places. She used to be the crazy one, I was the innocent, naive one. Now, she's engaged, a bible major and gonna be a missionary in Africa. I'm the non-christian who wants to work in the film indusrty. Could we be any more different? :)
Also, she's engaged which is such a weird thing. I didn't realize how weird it would be. We can't go anywhere and flirt with guys because she can't. It makes me want to hang out with more of my single friends, but I don't not want to hang out with my best friend. It also makes me slighty jealous. Here we are planning her wedding and it makes me wonder if I will ever have one. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to care and I'm supposed to say that I proud to be single and have fun, but I'm sick of being single, you know? I'm ready to find someone, no matter how patethic that sounds. hey, at least I'm being honest, right? Maybe I'm just wanting a guy because I'm wanting to find a best friend who won't abandon me, which is what I feel a little about my friend. I know she's not abandoning me and that's she'll always be my friend, but it's hard to share her with her fiance, if that makes sense.
OK, well, I'm pathetic. I'm just kind of in that pathetic mood. I'm wondering what home will bring.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.