2002-04-29 11:53 a.m.

home again, hmm...

hmm...where to begin? well, I'm home now. Or not home really, but back at school. I got here yesterday. Very mixed emotions. I don't like that. I wish I could tell you exactly what I think about being here, but the thing is, I don't know.

I do have to say, the trip and everything with my best friend went well. Road trips are always great, plenty of time to talk. I actually told my friend a lot of things about me, things I'd been holding in forever, things that I only admit in here or on my website. I told her about my depression, I told her about how I used to want to be dead so much that I planned how I would kill myself if I ever got around to doing it. I told her how I used to dig my fingernails into my skin and scratch until the skin rubbed raw just to feel the pain and keep that pain inside. Pretty much, I told her everything except the fact that I have this website or this online journal and about my little life on here. In other words, I admitted a lot and it was great! It's nice to have someone that I can be open with, someone that I can tell now when I start to get depressed that can help. Best friends are really good things. :)

So, I was feeling pretty confident about getting back here. I felt like I was a newer person, a more open person who wasn't going to hide behind an illusion anymore. Well, hmm, it wasn't so easy and I don't think it's going to be.

Driving in to Texas was such a weird thing. It was the little things that felt so weird, like seeing all the Texas license plates instead of California ones. and all the flat land. and the fact that people catch your eye and smile at you at here, and they don't even have to know you. And the Texas flags and Texas shapes on every sign. Man, we sure are stuck on ourselves, aren't we?!! But, I guess that's what I love about this place! :)

I will admit, though, that my heart was beating as I saw the sign entering my town. I was nervous. I still am. Why am I nervous? The people. My friends. Not my close friends, all the other ones, the ones who don't know me enough to not change their opinion of me. I was able to see some of my really good friends last night, that was fun. Lots of hugs. I love hugs. :) I really did miss people.

But still, I was reminded almost instantly why I had left for L.A. in the first place. I decided to go to our school's 9 o'clock devotional(kind of like a church sevice) we have every Sunday night. I haven't been in over a year, but I wanted to see old friends. One of the first guys I saw gave me a hug and the very first thing he asked was "Did you get to share Jesus with anyone?" ahh!! How do I answer!! I told him that I just got a great experience out of the whole thing and that was really my goal, and that I had a great time, or something like that. But, really, what am I supposed to say? I just tried to fudge around the question. Not so good for my new self-confident mindset, huh? Then another of my friends asked me, "So, was being out there spiritually hard to deal with?" Again, I just fudged around the answer by saying I had a great experience and got a lot out of it. Why is this the first thing out of people's mouths? I really went to L.A. to find out more about myself and what other parts of the country are about. I didn't go to 'witness' to people. I'm not getting involved in the film industry to try and 'save' the world. hmm...I remember now how insanely difficult is it here to think outside of the bubble that everyone here is supposed to think in.

My week here is already getting full meeting with professors, helping people out, getting with committees I'm on and planning stuff. I'm scared. I really want to be self-confident and brave and think what I think, but I don't know how to here. It is completely different than Los Angeles. I'm like in reverse culture shock, I feel like I've gone back in time. I actually saw a Cali license plate in the university parking lot and it was weird, but those just seemed so normal that it made me happy, but sad. I guess that's what coming home is about. Bittersweet. I wonder if this will all be normal soon.

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