Wednesday, Apr. 27, 2011 10:18 p.m.
information overload
My emotions are oddly going up and down a lot right now. It's like I'm depressed about things I'm never going to have, but at the same time thrilled to be getting things I never thought I'd get.
I want to run away with my little family and start life somewhere new and doing something different. I'm tired of being "worldly"; I want to live in a bubble. Why be aware of all the bad things if you can't change them or affect them or make a difference to them anyways? Why not live on my own private island and focus mostly on the things that concern my actual life?
I miss the "olden days" and I wish I lived then. Even if life was tougher back them - I'm just so tired of modern life sometimes.
I wondering about giving up facebook. It's not a new thought though, and I've never done it before, so why would I do it now? I sharing and tagging pictures; I like that people can see what I'm up to now - but I don't know, I'm just over it in some ways. I'm tired of reading about everyone else's lives and their favorite tv shows, and their political causes, and pictures of their kids, and news they find interesting, and inside jokes I don't get, and just well, the constant stream of it all.
I just want it to stop.
I'm posting about National Infertility Awareness Week this week. A new post each day. I've gotten some likes and a couple comments, and nothing at all mean or crude. But I don't know, I guess I wish that MORE people "liked" my statuses, or that someone out there sent me a message saying that yeah, they dealt with infertility too. I mean, I'm friends with like 400 people on facebook - I KNOW there has to be others out there that dealt with this to, right? Will they say something to me? Maybe I just had too high of expectations about this week. I guess it's only halfway over still - I still have several more days to reach out; maybe someone will relate.
It's funny though, because I pay attention to my home page and who is posting new statues and therefore who is on facebook...and who had the opportunity to read any of my statuses from the past three days. Did any of them read my status and relate? Or did they just not care?
Oh, I don't know. I'm in a weird mood.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.