Saturday, May. 01, 2004 7:40 p.m.
1-800-SUICIDE
today was my first of 7 saturdays of suicide hotline volunteer training. i really like this organization - they seem to really understand suicidal feelings and they don't expect to save people - they're just there to listen. but what�s hard is this training thing. i don�t like breaking callers down into �risk levels�. i don�t like this crisis call inverted pyramid model. i don�t like the categories and outlines in the training handbook. i don�t like how in the tiny bit of role-playing we did today that almost every call went or was supposed to go like this: volunteer: �hi, this is _____. what�s going on?� i mean, seriously. �how does that make you feel�?! are you kidding me? how does it make ME feel? incredibly fake, that�s how � like i�m trying to sound like a psychologist or something. if that was ME at the other end of the call, i�d want to hang up. i don�t know how i�ll do at this hotline thing. i�m scared to death of the role playing. i�d rather talk to them like i talk to people who email me. with plain honesty. i want to tell people that i�ve gone through it too, that they aren�t alone. that they CAN get through the day. that i know because i�ve done it. i want to suggest that they do something to take their mind off wanting to die. i want to tell them that i don�t think suicide is bad, and they aren�t really ever trapped into life, because they always have to choice to kill themselves or to live. but i also want to tell them why i�ve chosen to live and while i think they should too. i want to agree with them. i want to sympathize with them. i want to ask questions. and not only �open-ended� ones like i�m suggested (told) to. i feel like i�m trivializing people when i�m just repeating back what they said to me in question form, like: �you sound like you�re saying that you�re lonely, is this true?� or i don�t know. maybe it would be best if i stopped pretending i was in the skeptical caller �s shoes and actually try to learn from this training course. maybe i can help more people with these methods than the way i do things now through email. it�s just hard �cause, like always, i feel very different than the rest of the volunteers. i don�t deny their desire to help, but to them, the person on the other end of the line will be someone far removed from their line of thinking. for me though, it�ll be almost like i�m talking to myself on the other end.
{fake caller answers make-believe scenario}
volunteer: �oh, that�s awful, i�m sorry. how does that make you feel?�
�you said this makes you feel disappointed?�
�that sounds very painful for you. would you like to talk about it?�
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.