Wednesday, May. 14, 2014 11:16 a.m.

11:50

So I don't think I'm ever going to write out my birth story in here. I've written it out other places and I feel like I've moved on to other things.

K's dad left yesterday morning and finally, FINALLY, all our guests have left us and K and I can go back to our crappy lives. And even worse, now that Baby S is here, we should be officially figuring out a direction for our lives. But no, we're still all "well, let's wait and see of something happens still".

Look, I'm not opposed to something amazing happening at the 11th hour and 59th minute. If so, great, and we'll change our plans last minute. But right now, and for the past year? We've made NO plans, just waiting and thinking that something is going to happen. Like in the movies, you know, right when the main character is on the brink of despair when they're at the precipice of not being able to go back - that's when it all works out. That's when the girl comes running back, or they get that phone call, or something or other happens that saves the day.

It's like we're just expecting and waiting and planning for that hollywood ending to come to us. We made it to rock bottom now, so, um, someone's supposed to come and get us now, right?

Nope. No one else is coming to save us.

We've been in the 11th hour for a long time now. We've only a few minutes left until the end.

K and his agent parted ways last night. I don't really know what this means. Is it bad? Well, it doesn't seem good to me. But maybe this now means that he is open to finding better representation at a better agency. If anyone wants him still.

K and I sort of talked last night. I just want to know what I should be doing. Should I re-look up info on moving or a PODS rental, or having a garage sale, or looking for jobs in Texas? Or should I just keep waiting? K gets upset because I'm putting too much pressure on him when he doesn't know the answers either. But we've been doing this exact same thing for what seems like years. At some point, shouldn't I be allowed to put some pressure on him to come to some sort of decision...or at least to work out a contingency plan with me? I am his wife and half of his life after all.

K took off for a couple hours. I'm at home. S is asleep (thank god for newborns who sleep a lot) and C is in her room playing. Before he left, K told me that I should probably start looking for teaching jobs in Texas. He had placed his hands tenderly on my shoulders while saying this, but when he did, for some reason his hands suddenly felt suffocating to me and I tried to slightly brush them off. K could tell, and I think was hurt.

But here's the truth. I love him and I'm obviously willing to do whatever for him and his career/lack of career/whatever. I went into teaching, partially because it was better for one of us to have a steady paycheck. I've kept my job at my school this year - even though I was miserable most of this year - because I had to make money for the family. I really, really don't want to work again next year, but I'll do it again if I have to. I basically have made my life so that it fits into his plans and so he can follow his dream.

I'm not saying this bitterly AT ALL and I'm not bitter by any of it. It was my choice to allow him to peruse this dreams over me developing any of my own. His dreams became my dreams. I put my own desires (if I had any; I don't even know what I'd do with my life anymore if I could chase whatever I wanted) on the back burner, thinking that eventually, once he because successful, that I could stop working and have the luxury of pursuing something on my own.

While I love my family in Texas and would love to be closer to family and possibly have friends again - I don't really want to move to Texas either. If we moved, K would completely give up writing. He's talked about maybe going back to school for another career. He wouldn't have a day job and write in the evenings. He says he doesn't want to do that. I have to respect that, I guess; I can't make him keep writing and maybe that's just how he'll handle the loss of his dream the best. But you know what? I DO NOT want to have to keep working to support him going to school. Why does he get the fun of going back to school? I do not want even more debt placed against us either.

So when he placed his hands on my shoulders in the kitchen earlier and told me I should probably start looking for a job in Texas - yeah, it all just hit me and I felt trapped. Suffocated. I didn't want a warm embrace; if we have to face these unpleasant facts, then let's just face them. Don't try to make me feel good about them. It is what it is and that's all. I'll be happy about it someday maybe, but not now. Now I'll just do.

I'm a good wife. Marriage is important to me. I'm not going to give up on it.

But we don't always work well together.

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