Saturday, May. 22, 2004 3:37 p.m.
match.com
ok, so in a week I will no longer have internet access at home, but in the meantime, I have one last internet facination: match.com. I really don't know why I made profile, I guess 'cause I thought it'd be funny and I wanted to see if anyone would actually "wink" at me or email me. only now, though I don't plan on ever actually meeting anyone through that thing, it's weird 'cause I started to realize how many people out there there are... and then it's weird scrolling through and looking at all these pics of guys, and you know what? appearance is such an interesting thing. I mean, it's almost sad that it's so important to us. after looking through a bunch of guys and skimming over their profiles, it made me get to the point where I saw their pictures and didn't see a face or big nose, or a balding head, or blue eyes or anything else...I just saw a person. it was like I was becoming aware that the outside of a person was really and truely just the outside. a shell protecting the more valueable inside. and then I started thinking about me...I think I'm way too picky with guys. I sit here on this website and post my mantra of love and marriage being so much more than apparence and yet I'm so freakin guilty of it myself!! I say that we shouldn't demand perfection, but then I hyprocritically turn around and expect to find it. it almost makes me want to give some guy on match.com a chance...I mean, some have been kinda cute and their profiles kinda interesting...and some of them actually took the effort to send an email - I think sometimes I can unfortunatley be the huge bitch who gets her satsifaction by knowing that others find her intriguing, yet refuses to associate with those who do. ahh, I'm so werid!!! seriously!! some days (i.e. my last entry) it's like I really and truely hate myself and think I am so unworthy of anyone ever. and then other days I turn around and think that I'm this great person and people should like me....I've got a screwed up self-esteem problem, I guess. or maybe we all kinda have to find a happy-medium place, and I just haven't yet figured out how to hang in the balance of the two exteremes as well as most...
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.