2002-05-23 8:53 p.m.

a 'Survivor'/millitary/church camp kind of summer

OK, back in 1998 (that sounds like forever ago now), when I was 17, I did something that still to this day I think has changed and influened who I am more than anything else in my life: I spent two months of the summer before my senior year in high school with this organization called Teen Missions. Pretty much, it is a missions organization - I once was such an evangelical Christian; I once thought being a missionary was the greatest thing I could do for God.

I don't know why I'm thinking so much about that summer right now. I was never on more of a 'spiritual high' than I was then. I was so naive, so innocent, so caught up in the belief that my relationship with God would last forever. It's weird, but I also credit that summer as the begining of me. I mean the me of who I am today. I think that if the me now were to meet the me before that summer, I honeslty would feel like I didn't know myself.

But that summer was also the begining of the religious journey that eventually lead me to the non-christian that I am today.

It was such a religious trip, but it was also so much more. if it hadn't been more, then I wouldn't hold that trip in the high regards that I still do. Think 'Survivor' meets church camp meets the millitary - that was my summer. Strict, hardworking, remote, and dirty all encompassed in a religious/spiritual agenda. I have never had a better time, and I didn't want any of the summer to end, I didn't want to wake up from my dream.

Looking back, I do kind of regard that summer as a dream, an unrealistic happy place that left me feeling dillusional about the real world. I mean, I hiked through parts of the southeastern Amazon jungle for crying out loud! I went to these tiny villages with maybe 20 familes that lived there, I traveled in small boat up the Maderia River (a tributary of the Amazon) for nine days. I peed (and craped) in holes I dug myself. I bathed and did laundry in rivers. I got eaten alive by mosquitos. I can't even believe that I did these things anymore!

It's weird that this trip still affects me, that was 4 years ago, but I still to this day, I know I can do things, because hey, if I could handle Brazil or even Teen Missions boot camp (2 weeks of strict rules, dirt, and bathing out of a bucket!) then I can handle anything.

I guess I miss how dillusionally happy I was then. I'm jealous of the fact that my best friend is gonna be a missionary for life and is nervous about living in Africa. I would LOVE to be there. It just sucks that you have to be a Christian or religious to be a missionary, you know?? :)

(I just heard what sounded like a gunshot from the house next door...I know this is Texas and people have guns, but hmm...weird...maybe I'm imagining things...)

anyways, so yeah, I think I'm gonna write long, pointless entries everyday now. So, maybe no wants wants to read them, but hey, this is MY journal and I'm bored and just really want to write out what I'm thinking of, 'cause hey, it's not like I have anyone to talk to!!!

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