2002-05-22 11:54 p.m.

will I ever be good enough for anyone?

hmm...well, here I am lying on the floor in front of my little iBook computer (I don't have my desk yet.) hmm...Do you ever just sit and stare and even though you know you have stuff you could say, you just don't seem to care? ...'cause I don't know right now.

This is the most alone I've ever been in my life. Really. My roommates are all gone and I'm in the house by myself. I've never been by myself - I'm from a family of 6 kids, remember? Most of my friends are home or someplace else for the summer. It's VERY strange to have no one to talk to, I mean, no one is around me. I go hours without opening my mouth; this is so foregin to me - the quiet.

So, I've been thinking too much. I still don't have something to live for. I have my family, I know, but I want a different type of relationship, a different type of love. I want someone who's gonna be worth getting up for in the morning. I want someone to think of me as their reason to get up. I want to be someone's everything. I never have before. No guy has ever loved me this way. And that makes me feel so pathetic, as though something is wrong with me.

Why do I have to live with two engaged roommates? They drove me crazy last week when they were here, how the heck am I supposed to survive an entire year with them? I know they do not mean to do any of this, but everyday I'm with them is like a reminder that I am not not good enough to find anyone yet. I want someone to just share all the random little bits of my life with, I want a best friend, a soul mate, a co-adventurer through this crazy life we're forced to live. I feel as though all my friends are being taken away and I'm forced to live yet again on my own. I don't mind, I'm rather independent, I perfer to be on my own. Only, after awhile of being on my own, I feel like I am only kidding myself from the real truth that no one else wants to be with me.

This school does these crazy things to me!!! Too many people getting married! I feel very left out! And no way in hell do I want to date an ACU guy, they're so, well, legalistic and non-orginal, sorta, I can't really describe the guys here. Yes, there are some pretty hot guys and hey, I wouldn't mind a few free dates here and there, but I see no potential for someone I'd want to spend my life with or anything.

But, will I EVER meet someone? What happened to me? I used to be the type to say that I was just fine single and that'd I'd meet someone eventaully. I guess eventually isn't coming for me, even though it's come for so many others .

Oh, and then my best friend, who IS one of the engaged roommates is in Africa right now, doing mission work. It's so weird. I'm jealous. The only job I would always love to have would be that of a missionary. Except for the whole evangelisim part, I mean. Think about it, some church pays for everything you'll ever need, you live in some exotic land and you have crazy adventures. That is the life for me, a little missionaries wife. Only I'm not a Christian, so it'd never work! :) Plus, my best friend is engaged and happy and it just so sucks for me 'cause I don't get to talk to her as much anymore. I really have no one to talk to - especially right now. Perhaps this would account for this exceedingly long diaryland diary entry, huh? :)

I still want someone to talk to, someone to share everything with. I don't want to be like this though, I really don't. I want to be independant and self-sufficent. I don't like sounding like I'm one of those girls who finds their sense of self only though guys, 'cause I have never been like that. I don't like talking like this, but it's all true.

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