2002-06-02 9:42 p.m.
stupid emotions
I'm sitting here just about to cry, and I don't really know why - maybe because I'm a girl and I have retarded emotions - I don't know!! :)
but, anyways, my little sister came into town today, she'll be here a month and I'm so excited to have her here with me! I feel like we've been getting really close recently. Sisters are such wonderful things! you grow up thinking siblings are so annoying and then you realize that you're each just who you are and you have such a close bond because you understand your family and what you've been though that makes you you. And you can say whatever - you can be brutally honest.
I got an email today from my best friend who is in Africa right now. It's very scary her becoming a missionary, I'm always afraid that she's on the brink of becoming a religious fanatic and that she's going to think that I'm going to hell and not be my friend anymore. But she told me in the email that even though we have different beliefs, she will always respect what I believe and always be my friend. That took an incredible weight off my shoulders. I've been back at ACU too long already and the religious prejudice is already eating away at me. Everyday as I see casual friends (the kind you say hi to, ask how they're doing and occasionally hang out, but would never tell deep secrets to), I shudder to think what they would think if I was to admit that I'm not as Christian as everyone here expects everyone to be.
My mom came with my sister today, she asked if I was gonna take my sister to chuch while she's here. We also got into some joking argument about something and my mom said something like, "well, it's God, it's in the Bible, what, are you saying He's wrong?" I mean, how do I deal with things? I just don't know! I don't even know how to describe this situation anymore.
I haven't been getting a lot of sleep recently, either. And I've been so tired, but it's like I don't want to go to sleep or something, even though it's all I want to do. Friday after I got home from work, I stayed awake til 4am because I felt bad going to sleep. And last night I again couldn't go to sleep. Tomorrow my Summer I class starts at 6am. yes, 6am and I am physcotic for signing up for this class, but if I want to graduate on time... I'm getting worn out and as much as I want to be tough and handle this sleep deprevation, it's wearing on me and little things are getting to me and making me want to cry. I should go to bed early now, but I'd feel too guilty to go to sleep now, like I should be using my time to accomplish something and not be lazy!
alright, well, this is lgetting longer than I want to write, so I must go. back to all that is keeping me awake.....
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.