2002-06-08 2:33 p.m.
too many crazy things to think about
It's funny how I can do 3 things at once. I mean, 3 totally differnt things all on different emotional levels. Ahh!!!! what am I doing?? I'm sitting here in the school library computer lab with all these other people and all these crazy things are going through my mind that no one here has any clue about!!
I haven't written in here in about a week. I've been busy and just plain lazy. So, I'm writting in here trying to catch up on my life.
I just checked my guestbook and a 13 yr. old girl said she and some of her friends are planning on committing suicide later this month. If you are reading this right now, I have so much I want to say to you!! What you said seriously broke my heart because I understand and well, I want to help, but I'm not like the typical type of help, I have a differnet realistic understanding even though I think you are still so young and honeslty have such a lot of life left. so, just hang on, and I will be emailing you shortly!!!
I'm also in the middle of an email to this guy. He's actually the guy I went on a blind date with awhile back. We've been emailing - writing him is so weird sometimes, how do you get to know a person over email? I'm so used to writing people through here and exposing so much of a differnt me. I want to be open and honest and fun and get to know this guy, but how do I do differenate the myself he knows and the myself I'm used to emailing about? it's weird and I'm probably making things way more complicated than they are right now.
I also just found out that CBS is going to be casting again for Survivor. I came to the library to print off the application. I have all these plans of what I want to do for my videotape and it's so pathetic how much I want to be on this show. I really would be great. I know I've seen the other side of reality shows through my internship in LA with The Real World, and I should't probably be so intrigued with realitiy shows as I am still, but I am.
So, I have a ton of crazy differnt feeling going on inside and I'm also fixin to leave for work. Tonight's gonna be a crazy night.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.