Sunday, Jun. 03, 2012 11:03 p.m.
friendships and lack of them
This is NOT a new topic for me. It's been something that I occasionally realize and tell myself I should fix throughout the past several years of my life. But even still, the repetitive topic I'm thinking about tonight:
Friendships and my lack of them.
Yes, I have a friend, who's here on dland with me, who will read this (hi revisions!) and we went to high school together and college together and have always claimed each other as 'best friends'. But the truth of the matter - and what I think we'll both agree on - is that grown up life and our own individual circumstances often pull us apart. And while not deliberate, time/distance/busyness/circumstances pull us apart and our friendship is not what it once was. Both of us are busy with our own lives and jobs and husbands and kids and we live hundreds of miles away. It just not the same as it was when we were college roommates and that's to be expected.
But really, the truth is: I don't have any friends. Not really. Well, K and I have "friends". We have people we've known for years out here. We have people that we go to their birthday dinners and they come to ours. We have people that invite us to their weddings and we invited them to our baby shower.
But I don't hang out with anyone. I don't have real conversations with anyone. I only have PC conversation with our "friends"...that are really K's friends but as many of them now have girlfriends/fiances/wives and I'm K's wife - I am their girlfriend/fiance/wife's friend.
I don't really know how to make friends anymore. I'm 31. You don't really make new friends at this age. I don't know to find friends. Acquaintances are easy. I know how to have conversions with acquaintances. But I don't know how to make friends - I'm too afraid to talk about anything that we may have differing opinion on.
I'm really tired right now and can't think about writing anymore. So the end for now.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.