Tuesday, Jul. 24, 2012 9:28 p.m.

the summer was not what I hoped

I have not written in here in a long time. I've been busy, I suppose. I was looking forward to summer, planning to stay home with baby C and sort of pretend to be a stay-at-home mom, if only for a couple months. I was going to get things done, I was going to feel on top of things for once. I was going to be a great wife and have the house clean all the time and make dinner every night and be well rested and happy.

Summer has not been like that so far. And considering I go back to school on Aug. 1 - which is in 1 week - I probably did not even need to add "so far" to that last sentence. Summer is practically over, and summer has not been what I hoped.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I did get a bunch of stuff done. And I had a lot of visitors and went and went on "vacation" and visited a lot more. I rearranged my living room, dining room, kitchen, and C's bedroom. I bought a new dining table, and some new shelves and two new computer desks, and a high chair and a bunch of new stuff for C. I also got a new computer and kept my garden alive, and took swimming lessons with C. And I also worked a part-time, online, job that took more hours of my time than I originally wanted. All while staying home with C during the day. Maybe this all sounds like a lot; maybe it doesn't.

But it's been more overwhelming to me than I thought it would be.

I just feel like a mess right now. The past month has been busy, and I just feel like I can't keep up.

When my mom was in town, I found myself occasionally throwing out a minor complain about K. I don't know, maybe it's because I never talk to anyone and don't have anyone else to vent to and so I vented to her. Sometimes you can only really vent to someone who's been married for a long time, because they'll understand that your frustrations about your spouse don't mean that you don't love them still or that you're giving up, but that it just is what it is.

But still. Sigh. I honestly think that the best times in K and mine's marriage (so far) has been when I was pregnant. We hardly fought about anything. We were both so excited about the potential of becoming parents, yet we were still individually independent. I kind of miss that short time period.

It's not that it's bad now. Really. We've got a great relationship. But eh, I don't know - maybe it's the "seven year itch", ha ha; or maybe it's all in my head - but things just seem to be different at the moment.

By the way, uh, K knows about this diary and stops in occasionally. I maybe probably should not be writing this in here and it may just end up causing more arguments once he finds it, but ugh, I need someplace to write/vent! So I'm just doing it.

With any good relationship, it's all about compromise and give-and-take, right? Well, how does one side know how much they are giving and taking? Who can be an objective judge? At what point do you stop giving in and stand your ground on an issue (however minor)?

We seem to have come to some issues that may seem silly in the long run, but in the short run are possibly power struggles. Although I hate arguing and would love to just give in to what he wants in order to make things happy - I also feel like giving in doesn't really solve anything. I stand my ground almost in a last-ditch effort to maintain my sense of self and because I'm afraid to give up power completely.

I'm not good in fights. I'm not good anytime emotion takes over logic. He's quicker with comebacks. He knows what to say. I don't. I get flustered. I can't think and shut down. So he usually wins. And he knows he does and how I am and he doesn't go easy on me.

Our bigger fights usually end with me emailing him and apologizing and telling him I love him and let's just drop it because I hate fighting. But the truth is that I don't believe that either one of us fully drops it, we just push it behind us because we don't have time to really flesh out an argument and come to a real compromise on anything. I've actually asked him twice in these emails if we could maybe find someone to talk to (i.e. marriage counselor) to help us find tools to reach resolutions in our arguments. Or maybe at least be an objective mediator. At this point, I don't feel that it's worthwhile for us to argue and try to hash things out, because we don't get anywhere.

He's doing well in his career though. Possibly on the brink of some very big things. I'm proud of him. I've always been proud of him. I've always stuck by him and his dreams, even through the really hard times. I've always supported him through it. If anything, this is something for which I have always been there for him.

I just feel like I'm a disappointment to him lately. He doesn't like that I don't do the dishes quick enough, or that I don't want to buy bottled water for the coffee maker, or that I don't like to take my shoes off every time I enter the house (I HATE doing this and we've fought many times over it, but I obliged him and do it most of the time, but if I ever forget, I know he gets so annoyed at me), or that I'd prefer him to use the ice cube trays to make ice instead of buying bag of ice that take up unnecessary room in the freezer. I give in to him on all these things even though I don't understand his logic. And then he gets pissed at me for not understanding his logic and grr.....I just don't know what I'm supposed to do! Being married is hard sometimes.

At least we both madly love our daughter, C. We always have that in common.
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I've been having more of my little 'episodes'. I had one in April and I've been having one recently. I went to a doctor. I think it's just that I must carry all my stress in my shoulders/neck and my muscles get really, really tight in my shoulders and chest and it makes it hurt for me to take a deep breath and for pain to shoot up into my neck and head.

You know one of the things that adds to this stress? Feeling like I am always lacking as a wife and that my husband is disappointed in me.
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I have not had a period in a long time (41 days, to be precise). I don't think I've ovulated either. And it's frustrating me to no end. My first 3 periods after giving birth were fairly normal. This one has been all screwed up and it's really playing havoc with my mind. I just want my period, or I'd even settle with being pregnant (and yes, I've taken numerous pregnancy tests, all negative. My body is just screwed up). Well, except for the fact that I don't know how I'd tell K because I'd be afraid that it'd stress him out too much to think about another baby.
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I'm just feeling stuck a lot lately. And when I don't know what to do I just want to go to sleep. But that of course doesn't help anything, especially not in the least to make K happier with me, who already thinks that I'm lazy and never do anything.

I guess I'm just a little down in the dumps lately.

Things will get better soon. They always do, right?

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