Wednesday, Jun. 04, 2008 7:06 p.m.
shedding off a couple years...
a couple of weekends ago, K's half-brother and cousin, both of whom are 18 and just graduated high school, came out to visit us. They were cool and nice and excited about doing the whole Hollywood touristy things and all that.
but I actually had a really hard time with them being here.
it wasn't their fault and there was nothing wrong with them...other than the fact that they were 18...and I'm 27. I'm sure I seemed so old to them, while to me, I still think I'm their age.
I've been thinking about my age changing for awhile, but the contrast of them being there made it so apparent...and so suffocatingly unable to escape from.
their eagerness and excitement of heading off to college, of being on their own, of thinking that it will be their generation that will change the world...not realizing that it was just *my* generation that was going to. aren't we still in the same generation afterall - when does that distinction change?
it's hard being in the entertainment industry - youth is extended indefinitely. I'm STILL considered young to be married, and people our age are STILL working entry-level jobs, hoping to make it.
it sucks still feeling as though we haven't made it in our careers and that our finances are so unsteady. it sucks not having any idea if we'll ever be able to afford a house or a kid. it sucks feeling unsuccessful. it really sucks.
and it sucks even more when someone else comes in, almost 10 yrs. younger than you, and you know they think that you are old because when were you were their age you thought people over 23 were old too.
Because I don't think of myself as old! I don't feel like I've achieved enough to be old. And it scares me that I never will achieve enough.
It doesn't help that people think that I look like I'm 20 either. I feel as though I can't get people to take me seriously in my job because they think I look so young. But then, when I try to be involved in things with people younger than me, I feel like they don't take me seriously when they find out I'm 27.
I just don't feel like I belong in any age, and I hate it that one keeps being assigned to me.
I know it's just going to get worse and worse the older I get, and that really, really, really, freaks me out.
I have seriously thought about just telling people I'm 23 or 24, because I know people will believe me and then people will be more forgiving when I make dumb mistakes.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.