Friday, Jun. 06, 2008 3:59 p.m.
into the wild
I just finished watching Into The Wild for a second time. It had been the buzz around town a year ago, and since I now pretty much assume that anything that's getting a lot of talk in Hollywood must be pretentious...I didn't think I was going to like it.
in fact, I didn't the first time. I didn't really like the main character, he reminded me of too many people I've met in my life who think they have all the answers and think that they live some sort of enlightened existence that others couldn't comprehend. I thought it was just another Hollywood bullshit movie and the ending moral would be that we need to be more eco-friendly or 'discover ourselves' or that the government is untrustworthy, or some other crap like that.
I actually dozed off when I watched it the first time, being bored with the character and what I expected the ending to say. Thankfully, I woke back up in just enough time to find out how the movie actually ends (I didn't know the real story), and to realize that the film might actually be about more than I thought it was going to.
It's stayed with me for awhile and I think about it every so often. I like knowing that he was a real person; that the words on the screen were his real words. I try to imagine myself in his brain, thinking his thoughts, or what it would be like if I were him instead.
I watched it again today. With an open mind this time, knowing what the outcome would be. I focused on his interactions with people, on his constant desire for independence, for freedom, for adventure...and on all the relationships he refused.
I was watching a version of myself though him. I didn't read the same books he did, and I never voiced thoughts using the same words or interpretations as he...but I too get lost in my head and wander in philosophical musings, and my search for some perceived objective HAPPINESS has caused me to shun other people and retreat into loneliness.
I don't know if the ending is tragic or fulfilling...maybe both. He annoyed me, but I felt like I also understood him.
It's put me in an interesting mood. Perhaps it's not so bad to not think too much and have relationships with people and be, well, normal.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.