2002-06-15 1:00 a.m.

I suck at time management

I've gotten back into that funk where I force myself out of bed only by rationalizing that I will be able to sleep more eventually. It barely works sometimes. Then I go to class, then another class, and then the other. Throughout these classes, I can barely keep my mind on whats being talked about because a) I'm fighting off falling asleep, b) all I'm thinking about is all the things I have to do and how I'm going to do them all and c) I didn't get around to reading the text anyways....Then class finally ends, and I go home and attempt to get the annoying things done I have to, things like figuring out if my roommates have paid rent, play phone tag with my landlady to try and get her the money. Call a guy about a dryer we are buying and then call some other people to see who has a truck and can pick it up, call and find a friend who can give me a ride to a friends wedding this weekend, take out the trash, do laundy, attempt to pick up the house that seems to get more and more of my stuff thrown about everyday, and a bunch of other stuff. And try to fit in a little reading or some school related something....Then I'll leave for work and not come back until late. When I'm home after, I know I should go to sleep, but I know I still have school work to do. So I attempt to read or study, but I can't concentrate, so I make about 10 half-hearted attempts to do somthing else that needs to get done before I finally give up and go to sleep....Then I wake up at 5:30am and the day starts again. The days that I don't work seem to fill up just as fast, too. People want to meet with me and work on this or that, my sister wants to come over and lay out, I need to go grocery shopping, etc.

I really want to study and learn. yes, I'm a dork, but I actually would like to get a lot out of these classes. I just feel like everything else is crowding my time so that the thing I care about, I don't have time for.

And then suddenly, a whole week has gone by. I have no idea how. I don't remember time passing. I have been living the past week or so just by getting through each day.

I don't know how to get back on top of things, but I wish I did. It's the weekend, but with work and my friends wedding, I won't be able to really realx any and catch up.

I hate college sometimes.

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Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.