2002-06-18 7:30 p.m.
it's plaguing me again!!!
whoa, it totally just hit me that today is what, the 18th? of June!! how the hell did that happen? I mean, I just realized that it was a new month, and I turn around it's almost 2/3 of the way through already. I hate when time passes and I don't know were it went. I really do. it makes me feel as though it all must have been meaningless.
anyways, IT's been plaguing me again: the stupid search for the meaning of life. What will I have to accomplish before I feel like life has a meaning? I think sometimes that I keep going only because I think I'm just about to get the point where it will all matter, where it will all make sense. I think that if I ever find a true love/soulmate, then I will have have something to live for and then life will make sense. I think that if I ever become sucessful and win an Academy Award for the screenplay I want to write and direct, then life will become meaningful. I think that if I am nominated for Homecoming Queen next year, or if I am picked to be a contestant on Survivor (sent my application on Friday), or if I had the right clothes and looked perfect everyday, THEN my life would be good. then my life would have purpose and meaning.
But who am I kidding? the meaning has to be in the journey, not the accomplishment, right? then why do we complete the journey? Because we believe that only through the accomplishment, we will find the meaning.
I'm sitting here eating M&M's as I'm typing this and I can't help but thinking of Black Hawk Down. I rented that last night. Can you imagine starving like that? (I'm talking about the Somalians) where food was so precious? It makes me think of the extremely wealthy society we live in. It reminds me of all those Hollywood stars in Los Angeles. how can someone have so much money and just let it sit? It makes me want to keep only the bare necessaities and give up everything else. why do I own it all anyways? why did I go shoping yesterday and buy two new shirts when I have over 30 in my closet right now? how can I be so overindulgent? and then, how can I not be? what would it be like if I decided to only wear one of two shirts everyday for the next year? and what if I only washed them once or twice a month? that just is not done here. We are clean. we live differently. To be sucessful, you must own all the suscessful things: a nice car, nice clothes, nice house.
I'm taking Sociology right now, maybe that's why all these things are popping into my head. I do realize that I'm being random and that really none of this is getting anywhere or leading me to anything of conclusion about anything. I guess that's what so great about diaries...there never has to be a conclusion....:)
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.