Friday, Jul. 11, 2008 5:10 p.m.

something to hold on to it by

Last week, I called into the clinic and found out that there was a positive from my second egg donation last month.

While awaiting my third donation, I find myself longing for more information about these things. The simple positive or negative answer given by the clinic isn't sufficing as well as I thought it would.

My first recipient mother gave me a card the day of the retrieval procedure. Included was a picture of her and her husband and a small pot of mini-roses. I planted the mini-roses outside in a large container, where they have now grown and flourished. I think of her, of both of them, everytime I walk in my house and see the roses blooming. I wonder how she's doing. How the pregnancy's going.

It was only because my second donation was at the same clinic with the same nurses that I was able to find out that she is pregnant with twins, and that she's already moved on to the regular OB doctor. If I do my calculations right, that means she'll be due in November, or since twins often come early, maybe late October. They could be born on my birthday.

The recipient mother from my second donation left me nothing. Not a card, not a letter. I did briefly meet her one day, at the clinic. She told me that I was her third donor and that this was their last try before adoption. I felt the pressure on me; I felt her exhausted optimism.

I don't really blame her for not writing me a note. I'm sure it's hard for her to get her hopes up, yet again, and easier to not to get attached to me as a human being, and another person to disappoint if it doesn't work out.

But I do really wish I had something from her. Something to remember her, to remember the part of me I gave to her. Something to look at, everyday when I come home, and be reminded that somewhere out there is something meaningful that I helped bring into this world.

For the past several months, I've frequented a couple message boards for women with fertility issues. Specifically the ones that are using donated eggs. I want to see what the other side is like; I want to understand what this process is like, how a woman can come to terms and accept a donor egg.

I absolutely know that these women have been through a lot and I know I would be devastated if K and I couldn't fulfill our biological duty to procreate our genes...but I sometimes wonder if some of these women use that as an excuse to dissociate us donors as actual living humans with emotions and curiosity as well.

I absolutely do not regret donating my eggs at all, I'm just realizing that there's a deeper level to all this. I am IMMENSELY curious as to how things are progressing. Does the first lady know if they are boys or girls yet? Did she have morning sickness? What is their due date? I hope my curiosity dies after they are born, but I'm afraid that I'll then wonder if they will look like me or if they'll have any of my personality traits.

Oh well. I guess this is just my perpetual lot for getting into this donation mess in the first place, huh?

I just really wish the second lady would have left me a card or note or picture or something, though. I left her both a card and flowers and she already has pictures of me from my profile. Why does she not realize that I need something to hold on to in return?

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