Sunday, Jul. 13, 2008 9:55 a.m.
wrap party. job offer.
It was over a month and a half after the actual wrap, but last night I attended the wrap party of that middle school sex comedy film I worked on. It was strange seeing everyone again, all dressed up this time, clean and sparkling.
Though on average the crew was a couple years younger, and a lot less mature, than me, on the whole, we're are all in the same age range...as though we'd belong in the same group of friends. So seeing them again, after all I went through on set, working with them, standing my ground, trying to make them realize appropriate levels for minors, was strange. But there was a sort of kinship, as though they could forgive me now, as though an understanding had been reached, as though there was no longer reason for me to be an 'outsider'; I could now be part of the team.
One of the girls, the 1st AD, who must have been a little tipsy the way she was sharing information, was suddenly very friendly. She told me about her 16 yr. old brother and how she went to a private school, whereas her brother goes to a public school and already knows way to much stuff about things. She was worried about him, and told me that as a teacher, that I need to take good care of these teens, and show them the way to go, and that I might seem young and cool enough that they'd actually listen to me.
Strangely, I actually considered this a complement, almost a justification, of all the things I had tried to stand up for for the kids on set...and felt that I failed at.
Being at the wrap last night, seeing the kids again, talking to the parents, asking how people were doing, reliving and remembering my frustrations on that job: it all mixed the emotions about the job offer for a charter school math teaching position I had actually received earlier that day.
That film was the film that broke me, that encouraged me to look elsewhere, that studio teaching wasn't what it was cracked up to be. Yet strangely, as I discovered last night, it was also the film that gave me the greatest satisfaction, that I made the most difference through, that made me understand why the role of studio teacher is important.
Don't get me wrong. I still:
a) think the script sucks,
b) think it was inappropriate for 11-14 yr. old boys,
c) wished the crew had been more mature and more experienced,
d) and hope the film doesn't get distributed and no one ever sees it .
But I'm actually very excited (and nervous) about taking this full-time, real classroom teaching job. I finally feel as though I'm admitting to something I've denied my whole life, and there's something liberating about it.
But it was just odd that this wrap party was the same day as my job offer. I do hope I'm making the right decision and that I'm not changing my career just to change my career, like I've been doing every several months since I left college...
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.