Sunday, Jul. 17, 2005 10:31 p.m.

panic attack

so I had an odd experience tonight at work. I think I experienced something of the sort that other people refer to as a minor panic attack.

I'd never felt that before. well...actually, tonight brought up some memory of a time in high school that I had forgotten...or maybe pushed back in my mind and tried not to remember...maybe this was the second time I'd felt this...

but still, I don't know what brought it upon me. and I hate that I let whatever it was that got to me, get to me.

yes, waiting tables is stressful, but I know how to handle that stress by now. it wasn't that.

I honestly just thought I was beginning to catch a cold. I was starting to feel shakey like that. then I got sat with a couple of tables at once. and if anyone's waited tables before, you know what that's like - you know there's a fine balance to when tables are sat and how you balance them...and that disaster that can incur if that sync gets off.

and I guess that's what happened. the sync got off...the sync of all my nerves and conscieness and de-stressors...we were out of clean glasses and I had two tables waiting for drinks and another for refills and I found the last clean glass...and it slipped off the counter and shattered...

and I think that's when something in my mind shattered too.

I don't even know how long it lasted. 5 minutes. 30 minutes. who knows? I just stopped being able to think. I couldn't focus. my mind felt like it was shaking. I didn't know what to do to remedy anything. I couldn't find a broom. no one would help me - they were busy too. I went back to the table, didn't know what I was supposed to get them...another table asked for something. I didn't hear them.

it was like I could only concentrate on one thought at a time. I knew I had like 7 tables, but I could only focus on one task for one table at a time. one table started complaining about something. then another. my hands and arms and body were still shaking, or at least, I think that they were. I started trying to hold back tears. I just wanted to be away from this. I couldn't do it.

I tried to take a deep breath and still myself, but it felt like I was on some twisted caffiene high or something...something inside was anxious, engergized...but not in a good way. it was like I saw in tunnel vision.

I managed to decide that asking the hostess not to seat me would be a good plan. I don't know how I came to that conclusion though - I really couldn't think about anything.

eventually things slowed down...and my focus resumed to normal...and I could see and think beyond one thing at a time. I made ammends with my neglected tables and was able to handle being sat again.

but it was a really really weird thing...and I don't know what brought it on...and it kinda scares me that I don't.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.