Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2005 6:13 p.m.
starting out together
I wrote this yesterday - right now I'm on wireless during a class I probably should be paying attention to...
August 1, 2005:
I feel lost without the ability to get online. as though I momentarily pulled to the side of the information superhighway, and I know that the world is passing me by and as that even when I get back online, I will never be as ahead as I was before I stopped.
I moved yesterday. and now I�m in that funky limbo stage where everything is in boxes or half set-up and I�m trying to keep telling myself that this new place is �home� and that I�m not just away on a visit and will be going back. there is no going back. here is here.
I remember my childhood home having a unique smell to it that I would only notice when I came back after being away for a few days. I don�t know what it smelled like. it just smelled like home.
I haven�t gotten used to this smell yet. it�s an old house smell. I light candles and incense hoping to mix my usual smells with this smell and make it all smell right. but it doesn�t yet.
we moved in together. well, only sorta. after all the deliberation I had a few months ago, and my decision NOT to move in together til after the wedding, I guess it just happened this way.
we found a place. we jumped at the opportunity. we�re not telling our parents, of course�they would seriously kill us and even worse, be seriously disappointed in us.
but practicality was speaking louder than their voices can carry from 3 states away, and so practicality won.
I suppose if we lived in michigan or podunk texas, we could expect to find a decent place for cheap. but this is los angeles, and cheap does not rhyme with safe. but cheap does rhyme with dumpy - a small part of me wanted to cry when we first began moving stuff in. the lease was already signed. why didn�t I pay more attention while viewing it? this is where we will first make a home.
but we are young. and together.
and from here, all we have to go is better. I can already see us telling our kids someday horror stories about the place we lived when we first married�and smiling with some weird sort of fondness for the place anyways.
he still has his place, but stays mostly over here. he�ll officially make the move sometime later this month. so theres exactly 2 months to the day til the wedding�but in all sense of what marriage is � we�re already married. we just lack the certificate.
I wonder what it will be like in 10 years to look back upon this entry.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.