Thursady, Aug. 11, 2005 5:38 p.m.

the family I know is gone

I guess there's that point in everyone's family where something happens and everything changes and life is never the same. a line that sections off the idyllic memories of youth and family that we will reminisce about...and the unfortunate reality of how life really is.

or something.

all I know is that that line has been drawn.

I left for college 6 years ago. I left a happy family. in my mind, I only know my family in this way. I imagine things to be exactly the same as they were then, only I'm not there with them.

but it isn't. it's FAR FAR from it.

everything has changed since March. my family is not the same. selling our house, THE house we grew up in, THE house that was and forever will be HOME, is directly responsible for the massive changes we are all going through and from which we will never recover.

I got engaged less than two weeks after I found out I couldn't fulfill my dream of being married there...it no longer mattered if we waited or not. after a lifetime of not only extreme sheltering, but also a genuine belief in being pure, my 19 yr. old sister has suddenly jumped into the world of discovering guys and alcohol...and she's moving way too fast for an older sister's comfort.

my 20 yr. old sister called me today. she went back from college to visit the new house and the 3 youngest sisters that still live there. the house is small and old and ugly. the sisters hate it. they are unhappy. my 16 yr. old sister sneaks off to go drinking. the 14 yr. old sister has been doing poor at school the past few years - I can only imagine how bad it is going to get from here.

the 11 yr. old is the favorite - the one that others love. the gifted one. the sweet one. apparently she acts a lot like me when I was her age. I'm scared for her. I want her to survive. I want her to remain untarnished. I want to feel like I lived so many years of my life as the role model older sister for a reason.

my mom is becoming ultra-testy again. my dad is becoming despondent. I'm sure they feel the stress and responsibility too. I'm scared for my family.

a family of six girls in a small community. we were well-known. we were liked. we held so much promise. we were so close, we were our own club.

money sucks.

why couldn't my parents have held on? why did they have to sell it? didn't they know what would happen?

I don't know how I will handle Christmas. I wish I had known that last year would be the end of my "childhood". I didn't know we'd be in a different house this year. I didn't know I'd be married this year. I feel like it's my fault. it's always the oldest child's fault.

tears are streaming from my face right now.

I'm on my period. maybe that's why I'm emotional.

we're paying for this wedding thing ourselves. we don't have much money, but I'm not about to ask my family to give up even more that they don't have in order to feed my selfish desire.

I would've taken back everything my parents ever bought for me if it meant we could�ve kept that house.

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