Friday, Aug. 13, 2010 9:09 p.m.
egg donor regret?
The more I'm thinking about it now, the more I kind of wish I hadn't been an egg donor. This is so contradictory to what I previously believed, and it's hard for me to now admit that I might be leaning otherwise. Especially when my last donation was as recent as March.
I don't really know if I like the idea that my genetics were combined with a man I don't know and never really got to have a say in to create a child that other people are raising.
On one hand, I tell myself that it is like adoption, and that I went through a small process so that another deserving couple could have a child. On the other hand, I keep being reminded that that child now has the odd makeup of having the genetics of their father, but not their mother.
Or I suppose that it's similar to if I had gotten pregnant from a one-night stand, had the baby, and then gave it to the guy and relinquished all my parental rights to it so that it could be raised by another woman.
I just...I just don't know.
I can't say that I regret the decision to do the donations at the time though. I remember the deep longing I had to, well, establish my fertility, in a way. To prove to myself that I was worth something. That I could create something. I don't blame myself for wanting to follow through on those desires.
I don't know what I'd tell myself if I could back in time; I don't know if I'd still do them if I had a re-do. But I do now wish that they'd just magically disappear from my past.
I don't want to have to tell my own kids one day. Afterall, they'll have genetic half-siblings out there somewhere a right to know of their existence...not to mention the rare chance that they could meet each other and become romantically involved.
If any of the donor kids ever tried to find me one day, I feel I'd owe them the right to meet me - but what would I tell them now? That I wished I hadn't done it and hadn't created their existence? Do I lie? Do I tell the truth? Do I hope they never want to meet me and that my children meet future spouses that were NOT born nearby, just in case.
I saw a psychologist before being allowed to donate. I went through all these things. I thought I was fine with them. The psychologist deemed me of a sound and rational mind and fit to donate.
But I didn't know I would come to feel this eventually.
I wish I had just stuck with the traditional family dynamic of genetic relation to my own, and only my own, kids.
But of course, overall, I just wish I had my own kids.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.