Thursday, Aug. 21, 2003 2:08 a.m.
www.diaryland.com
Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Maybe there comes a point in this whole online diary thing where you can become too nosy. But it is a public place, right? and anyone who doesn't have their diary locked has to know that the possibility exists, right? After all, it happened to me, and I was super careful about not being found...
Diaryland is a really interesting place. For the past few hours, I've just been surfing around, looking at people's diaries, reading some, making observations about why the heck we've all decided to keep these things, and discovering some stuff I don't know if I was supposed to see.
I think we all (myself included) keep these things because deep down we crave others attentions. There's no point in keeping an online diary if you don't want it read. We all want our entries read. I found it interesting that some people had stopped their journal, stating in their last entry that they were quitting because they no longer felt "real" in what they were saying...they admitted to having an online journal for all the wrong reasons, they wrote what they thought would make them sound acceptable, not what they really felt in hopes of future retrospective.
It's hard not be nosy in the safe confines of diaryland...I'll admit that I was sneaky tonight. I purposely searched for diaries in the small town I've spent the last four years. I wanted to see if I could run into any ACU students...I wanted to try and find any that may also have a hidden, deeper than "God-is-the-best-thing-in-my-life" side like me.
And I ended up finding a diary of someone I know.
I couldn't help myself. I read it. And part of me feels like a traitor; as though I was trespassing through her mind. But the other part of me wonders if that's what she almost wanted. not for me to find it necessarily, but someone, anyone, as long as it was read. Otherwise all that she dared to expose about herself would be lost; it'd be meaningless - she'd be meaningless.
and I guess that's why we write: to be read. To know that no matter how insignificant we each are in this world...we were someone. We had feelings. We thought about things. Things mattered to us. We are worthy of taking up but one small corner of this world called diaryland, which is still but one small corner of a corner of a corner of a corner in the grand scheme of the world wide web.
it's amazing, isn't it? How we can individually be so insignificant, yet be so influential at the same time?
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.