Monday, Oct. 28, 2002 4:14 p.m.

FREED, FREED; I'M FREED AT LAST

I have had this online journal for a year and 2 months. I have had my website (above link) for almost 3 years. And I have never told a soul. This has always been my secret, the one thing I would never, ever, ever tell. The one thing to make me always feel like I still had something hidden. I was proud of this hidden aspect of my life.

Only, a part of me always wondered what would happen if anyone I ever knew stumbled upon it. At first, that thought scared me to death. Then, I almost wished someone would find it, so that someone would know the secrets that I kept hidden. Then, within the past few months, I've finally become open, I've finally told a select few people about the insides of me, not about this journal or website, but about the things I had been thinking. It was a great thing to finally open up. But still, the ONE THNIG I prided myself in the fact that I had told no one about: this site/journal.

I'VE BEEN DISCOVERED. My best friend, whom I've actually written about in past entires, was looking around on diaryland, and stumbled upon my diary, read a few entries, and easily figured out that this was indeed me. FOUND OUT. Someone knows about me now. It's the craziest thought, I swear. I've written alot I've never told - I've written things about her.

But the funny thing is...I always wondered how I would react had someone found out this about me, and you know what? It's the most relieving thing that could possibly happen! For real, I felt so free afterwards! No more of anythign to hide! And I always thought that hiding myself was the one thing that kept me sane. If I had only known.

I actually happy right now and in a way that I haven't been in years. I've been found out, I'm starting to kinda get together with this guy that I'm seriously interested in, stupid homecoming and all that stupid goal of being a nominee is over, my best friend is once more my best friend and we can talk about whatever, I NO LONGER HAVE ANYTHING THAT IS COMPLETELY HIDDEN FROM EVERYONE!!!

This does make me think about the future of this journal. I love this thing. I'm addicted to it. But can I still freely write knowing that one of my very roommates will know know it all? Will it taint my writings? She said she wouldn't read it ever again if I didn't want, but do I want that?

This is a long, long entry, and I have to leave for work. But, I am still utterly amazed. Things should not go well for me. I don't deserve this. I don't want tobe happy for I know that others hapiness is only like a slap in the face to others when they are hurting. So, I apoligze for sharing my joy. But, I just want to laugh at the whole situation and how stupid I am in spite of it all. I feel like it's the end of a horrible, depressing, mess of a movie that, for some crazy and unbeliebale reason or another, ends on a happy note. Maybe I should believe in life more often. Perhaps once in a very short while, things are good.

previous | next