Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2006 9:46 p.m.
the best policy?
lately, I've become a glutton for honesty. I hate lying or sounding clich� just for the sake of social expectations. if you want to know what I think, I will tell you straight up. if not, don't ask me what I think. I can't be sympathetic when I don't feel it, I can't apologize when I don't feel at fault.
but I do think about things and I do care. just in my own way.
my mom is hounding me to send a sympathy card to my grandmother for my grandfather's recent death. I'm having such a hard time getting myself to do it.
it's not that I didn't feel anything at his death. on the contrary, it made me realize how short life is and how unfair death is. it made me think too much, and put me into an odd funk for a week, as though a cloud had hung over me, weighing on me. I liked my grandfather. death sucks.
but what is a sympathy card supposed to do? I can't help my grandfather's death - why should I apologize for it? I feel shallow sending a pre-printed note in a card (as if pretty words are going to heal my grandfather! they aren�t.) I don't understand how a card can help anything - and it makes me feel shallow and fake sending it.
my mom also suggested sending her a note about some story that I remember about my grandfather. I don't understand how this helps either. there was nothing in particular about my grandfather that I knew or shared with him that others didn't know or share with him. I have no new knowledge of him to give to her.
my memories of him are my memories of him, just as her memories of him are her memories of him. that is what makes the memories special - they exist in my head because they involve me. I don't expect her to share her memories of him, I expect her to keep her memories locked inside her to personally reflect on. why should I be expected to share my memories then?
if there was something physical I could do to help her out, I would. something with no artificial feelings involved - just supplying a means to meet a need. I would do that, I would do my grand-daughterly part in that way.
I just can't seem to bring myself to send her a card or story without feeling like I'm faking it...and to me it seems like faking it would be worse than not sending a card.
but then again - I don't always think like people are supposed to think...
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.