Wednesday, Sept. 04, 2002 7:29 p.m.
vain confessions
wow. I'm finally able to have time to get on here and type. but, to be honest, now that I finally have the time to write, I don't really know what to say.
call me the queen of over-commitment. I get myself into more things than is probably healthy for me to handle. And I do it because, well, because I enjoy being involved and having people know who I am. As stupid and vain and embarassing as this is to admit, I enjoy the fact that I feel like I have a pretty good shot at being nominated for homecoming queen this year. I feel like I should at least keep going until homecoming is over. I just want to reach my goal. I want to prove to myself that the girl I was freshmen year can make something of herself....
ah, freshmen year...I was such a nobody. I ran, auditioned, tried out for everything I could. I tried to be invovled, to be known, to be someone on this brand new campus. And I got nothing. I was a nobody. So, what if I can turn it all around and be nominated for homecoming queen this year? how cool would that be? I admit it's been my goal for awhile. I want to prove to myself that I can be popular if I try and play the game right. I only have a little while left...
How horrible does all that sound??!!! I wish I could say it wasn't true, but I'd be lying. I'm invovled with as many different things as I can, I feel as though I'm accepted by all types of different groups. I'm in the good girls social club (sorority). I started off really good and I so still have a good reputation. I don't have to fight off rumors that I go out and drink at nights. People would never expect me to. But, I do go out and drink some - hey, I'm 21 - but, I still have to pretend that I don't because this place is evil about rumors and judging you. I can't wait til homecoming is over and I can feel free to be whoever the hell I am. I will no longer be losing anything. I will have accomplished my goal and hopefully will no longer feel the need to hide.
I can't believe I'm saying this...I sound absolutely horrible...everyone should hate me now. But, I'm being honest, if only in here. Honestly is the big thing I'm working on this year - slowly, but surely I'm trusting people enough to see who I really am and being confident in myself enough to know that it dosen't matter what they think. That's why I'm hoping that homecoming will come soon - I'd like to see how much of me can come out after I no longer feel like I'm striving for something...
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.