Thursday, Sept. 04, 2003 7:43 p.m.

dual personalities would be nice

I feel stuck.

I want to be two different ways. I want to write two different ways. but I'm just one person - I try to satisfy both ways, but then wonder if I'm really ever either?

I have good days. I've been trying to make sense of everything new that I'm experiencing going through this huge change of life. I feel obligated to myself to write about and be concerned with adjusting to the traffic, the smog, being grown-up, work, living in a place where attitudes are very different than my own, trying to feel comfortable, independence, etc., etc., etc. My thinking on things is changing and I'm trying to develop my life here in Los Angeles into the one that I always pictured my life out here to be. It's not as amazing, as crazy or as opportunity-filled as I somehow thought it would be, at least not yet?

But then I also feel guilty writing about such stupid things like that. I feel stupid that I've allowed myself to write about shallow things. I hate what I write. I want to be deep. I am deep. I am passionate about thinking, about figuring out "why?". I can become too passionate about it. I can get to the point where I can only think in what, to most, sounds like the unintelligible thoughts of a crazy person.

I have a problem getting it to come out of my head sometimes. maybe that's why I ignore that it's there. I'm not poetic...or rather, I choose not to be. I try to be realistic. I try to explain complex thoughts in simple terms. I don't pretend to be so highly intellectual and artistic that only the "blessed" few can understand my genius. I think everyone can think the same as me, if only they opened their mind to it and weren't scared away under the pretense of things being over their head.

Why can't people understand as I understand?? why can't we all just forget about thinking sometimes and live a normal, though perhaps unfulfilled, life? why does thinking and questioning lead us to that weird understanding where we understand nothing, have a tortured soul, but yet feel as though we are better off for being there?!!

it makes no sense.

neither does this entry, actually.

I just want to live the combination of shallow and deep, happiness and depression. I want to be both ways, yet constantly feel guilty for not being the other.

I'm stuck.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.