Saturday, Sept. 06, 2003 2:39 p.m.
so, what are you drinking tonight?
I don�t think I really like the whole �dating scene�. I went with my roommate to a bar last night, strictly to meet guys. I�m not used to doing this, being the single young adult, looking to meet men. Standing there, drinks in our hands, hoping some guys came and talk to us, maybe exchange a few numbers�the whole thing cracked me up! I saw myself from afar looking like a desperate young woman, caught up in the whole work thing, unable to meet any other guys but the same, old, usual �can I buy you a drink?� guys. How did I come to this!!! :) I don�t want to meet a guy in a bar! granted I don�t really know how else you�re supposed to meet guys once you�re out of college, but still. but it was fun to play the part a bit. and what's funny is that I actually did meet a decent guy�we talked for awhile, I gave him my number�I wonder if he�ll actually call? it would be nice to go on a date...(sigh)... (I think the whole being from Texas thing helps, guys here seem to like girls from Texas, I don�t really know why. the accent, maybe?) I don�t know what to do about all this. somehow I don�t seem to see myself as the typical work 9-5, go to the bar on Friday type of girl�and I don�t want to do this. but I also never really thought beyond college when it come to guys, I just always thought they�d be around. I didn�t realize that there�s comes a point where you don�t just run into them everyday, when you actually have to make an effort to meet them. I don�t like playing the game. I don�t want to say all the right things, put on a good show, act the part to get a guy to notice me or ask me out�but I like the attention from guys, I like being liked, and I have fun playing along. only, I really just already want to be at that part where I know the guy and he knows me. I don�t want to have to be funny and cute � I want a guy to know where I�m weak and still be ok with that. I want a guy to value the thoughts in my head and I want to be free to speak them. I want guy friends. I miss all mine from home. I miss what�s familiar to me. I miss Texas. I miss having my mind challenged and getting into deep, philosophical conversations. I miss my best friend. I miss people who understand me. I miss people who miss me. my roommate is annoying me. I don�t like going to work all day, feeling as though I have little time in my life for anything else. I don�t like not having friends. The dating scene bores me. I feel like I�m missing out on so much stuff. I�m wondering if coming here was the best idea�but I don�t know where else I�d want to be. suddenly I just want to go curl up in my bed and hide deep under the covers. I want to cry myself to sleep and wake up a year ago. some days, adjusting isn�t very easy.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.