Saturday, Sept. 04, 2010 11:49 a.m.

this unknown affliction

I'm not normally a hypochondriac.

Other than this entry, I don't think I've ever really mentioned the "unknown affliction" that I am sometimes plagued with. I don't even know how long I've had it. I suppose, in part, I've slightly suffered from it for a long time...maybe since teenage/college years? But it was never enough to make me concerned, and I'd usually forget about it.

Actually, I just assumed it was probably anxiety or something. College was stressful, I wasn't always happy; I can go back in this diary and read and remember.

I first remember it when I was student teaching. Maybe I've always had a somewhat rapid heartbeat. Maybe I just have a fast metabolism. Maybe I've always thought too much about too many things at one time. But it wasn't until the spring of 2007 that I REMEMBER it.

It's when I can't bend down without feeling the pain. Shooting pain in my head and neck and chest. Sometimes all three places, sometimes only one. When standing, it feels like a rapid, nervous heartbeat - almost as though my heart is beating so fast that it's causing physical pain. But I feel my heart and it's not beating particularly fast.

So I've assumed it was nerves. Student teaching was also stressful. Maybe I react to stress more than the norm.

The next remembrance is after I did my first egg donation in the spring of 2008. At the time, I didn't connect the two. I thought that pain was because of that experience. Not so much the rapid heartbeat, but the shooting pain. Especially in my chest and neck. Breathing felt restricted. And the veins in my neck felt like they were throbbing. Sleep was difficult. But I had had SUPER high estrogen levels, so I assumed it was in some way due to that.

A few months after this donation, I had to do an EKG to be on a game show. Apparently I passed and my heart was fine. Then.

The "affliction" hit me a few more times during the 2008-2009 school year. It was my first year as a teacher. I was majorly stressed. I think the pain from bending down was fairly minor, but fairly constant during that time and I lived with it. I thought it was stress.

In the spring of 2009, I wrote the entry I first linked to above. I remember feeling it then too. It was kind of bad that time. I tried to drink wine to calm myself, I tried um, other ways of relaxing myself. They didn't really work. But it went away after 4-5 days...and again, I assumed it was stress.

In the past year or so, it still comes and goes. I think I went several months without it towards the end of last year/beginning on this one. I thought maybe it was over. I thought that my non stressful job and overall better financial situation had cured it.

About a month and a half ago, it hit again. The hardest it ever has. I stayed in bed for two days. Passed it off as sick, since hey, I kind of did have a fever. But it wasn't just a fever or cold. I knew the symptoms. The pain in my chest, as though the blood is pumping too fast to get through the veins. Or maybe it was just a burning feeling. Maybe I was having a panic attack, though I researched and never heard of any lasting for days. K brought up the idea of heartburn - maybe I'd been having severe heartburn attacks. I researched and the symptoms sound similar, especially the pain when bending down or putting my head below my chest. We bought some tums. I slept and laid still a lot. It went away after a couple days.

Now this week. It was back. I felt it coming a week ago. It was minor then, not a big deal. Like a little rumbling inside, saying "hey, I'm here, be care or I'll come to get you!". And sure enough, it came to get me.

I'm sitting here typing, being very still, only dressed in a towel after sitting in a warm bath for awhile. I've got half a pain pill in me right now, left over from K's surgery 2 months ago (normal aspirin/ibuprofen doesn't put a dent in the pain) and trying to be as calm as possible.

I want it to go away.

I think I might finally go a see a doctor. I've been hesitant because I'm afraid of the possible diagnosis:
� I'm just making it all up; it's some kind of psychological issue.
� it's a blood clot and my heart is like a 60 yr. olds and I'm gonna die if I don't exercise religiously and eat only salads.
� it will be dismissed as only heartburn and all I have to do is figure out what triggers it (it's got to be more than simple heartburn and I can't figure out a pattern of food).
� I somehow caused this upon myself from doing my egg donations, and not only will I have to deal with this pain forever, I also totally fucked up my entire fertility and will never have kids.
� I have a horrible blood disease/heart condition that was missed by all my blood tests before and I will have to contact the clinics I did the donations at and tell them that my donor offspring may be flawed. And that even though I can have kids, I shouldn't because I might pass this to them.

Yes, the above suggestions do sound a bit hypochondriac, but really,they are just exaggerations of my fears. And why I've avoided the doctor thus far. I keep thinking I can figure out what wrong with me on my own.

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