Wednesday, Sept. 05, 2007 4:08 p.m.

oh, but the good news is that I now have a garbage disposal.

sometimes I think that I am the only one who thinks like I think. when I say things, the language I use is not the same language that others use to explain things. I do not know if this is because I understand the world differently, or if I am just incapable of properly putting things into the word that make sense.

I spend a lot of my time in my head because of this. I find it very difficult to associate the things that are inside me and of my person to the outside world and the things that are around me.

I find it hard to know the right words to use, and often worry and stress that the things I have said or the words I have used have implied something that I didn't mean to imply. I am afraid of what other people will interept my words and actions to mean.

I miss being a child, when there was a sort of patience that people offered you; they sought out the meaning of what you were saying, rather than what you said. I have been struggling for years with the fact that I am no longer young and that people no longer have that patience with me.

I am unsure of what I am doing, yet it would be unprofessional to ask all the questions I want to ask - I would still let my emotions get tangled in my questions, showing my anger and frustrations when I should be acting like I am calm, cool and collected.

I fear that I am missing something, that I am being ignored for something that everyone is hoping I'll figure out magically on my own...because no one will tell me. I don't know if this fear is irrational, or if I have correctly picked up on it. I don't know - but I know that there is no one around to ask. There are no adults to confide in when you are an adult yourself.

I am worried right now. and unlike all the times I've worried before, when I was in the process of getting someplace that would make things better - I am now in that place. I have completed the journey...but there is nothing here waiting for me. And I don't know if I'm supposed to wait, or wander around, or go back to the beginning and take a new path...and I'm worried that every decision I make is the wrong one.

I'm at the library right now, in a little corner in the back. I am alone...and I don't want to leave. I don't know what to do when I leave. so much potential is floating out there, so many unreturned phone calls and emails...something could happen. anything could happen.

and I don't want to leave here until I know that something is happening.

because I feel pointless right now. exiting for nothing. I try, but feel lost no matter what I do.

someone please tell me what I am doing wrong.

(I got an email once, a few months ago, from someone who said that I had become selfish and whining and boring. I know this is probably true, but I am terrified of getting another email like this. It scares me when I think of all the years I've written in this thing, of the few people who once read it on any type of contunial basis, and of the person I've become. I don't claim to be the person I was, and I hope to God that I don't always stay the person I am now. it scares me that I have so few friends, and that I wonder if the people who know me best are indeed the people that ot one time or antoher read this thing. I am not always like the things I write - I am not writing every moment of my life. I do have deeper reflections and I am surpremely happy at times. I confide to this journal because it helps to confide to something. I hesitate making the whole thing private for traditions sake. I doubt anyone has stayed with me over the past year and listened to all my tirades, but if they have and someone has gotten through this forever huge paragrah - please don't email me any advice or tell me how crappy of a person I am. I already know.)

I enjoying rambling in this entry. I should do it more often. it makes me less stressed, and unclogs my brain.

I still hope the people call that need to call me, or respond to the many emails I've sent out and inquired about things.

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