Sunday, Sept. 09, 2007 2:12 p.m.
I probably won't even get a callback, but...
I have a thing about auditioning for game shows. I've tried out for more than I can remember - I'm always trying to win easy money - and being in L.A. affords me this opportunity.
Because I also used to work in reality tv casting, I kind of know what each show is looking for, and I know how to give it. So I've made it to second rounds half the time. But I don't usually make the show itself, because well, the honest truth is that I am not that good at pop trivia. In fact, I pretty much suck at it.
But I tried for a show the other day that was COMPLETELY different than every other show I've ever tried out for. Tentatively titled Nothing But the Truth, a contestant will be hooked to a lie detector machine and asked up to 21 questions. A contestant can stop when they want and keep the money they've earned, or go for the full $500,000.
I honestly think that I could win this thing. It's not that I have no shame, it's that I've become increasingly honest lately. The casting director pried into my life...and I let him. I told him about all the things my husband and my family might be disappointed to know. I talked about if I've ever faked an orgasm, if I've ever done drugs, what my mom would think if she discovered I wasn't a Christian anymore, etc.
I know I could win this game; there is nothing I am too ashamed to admit for $500,000. The audition was fun, and I was sent home with a background check (which means they are interested in me).
But after the audition, I began thinking about actually being on the show. And I realized that the catch is that this is not about my ability to divulge the details of my life...but about how much I am willing to potentially hurt/embarrass/humiliate other people in my life.
And this is the hard part, because as much as I believe in truth and honesty and not being afraid of 'blemishes'...I also have discovered that not everyone shares this belief. And I don't know if it's my place to push it on them...on national television.
And while $500,000 is a lot of needed/wanted money, I don't know if the possible negative ramifications would be worth it. It's a risk I might be willing to take, but is it a risk that I SHOULD take?
$500,000 is a lot of money.
I wonder if I could do it.
(p.s. I don't think the game show people could EVER find this diary in their search for dirt on me, but because my paranoid self wants to make sure - I'm locking this for now.)
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.