Sunday, Sept. 14, 2003 10:30 p.m.
I'm a rebel...woohoo
I�d been wanting to do it for the past couple of years. however, I always felt like the negative perceptions I�d receive from others, including my parents, outweighed my desire to do it anyways. but then I decided that I�m already out of college and I�m quickly becoming too old to ever pull it off, so I�d better do it now while I have the chance. and besides, it�s part of the times, and if my [future] kids ever ask, I want them to think that their mom once upon a time was cool�:) it�s not like something you can hide easily. in fact, you can�t. it�s not like the two holes in each of my ears; the barbell in my eyebrow stands out and I�m making a statement to everyone I meet. the big question is: what statement exactly am I making? am I rebellious, am I punk, am I trying to be cool? what? I guess I just want to make people do a double think when they see me. I want them to wonder why I decided to stick a piece of metal through my face. I guess for so long I�ve lived in places where it is naturally assumed that you are one way, and I just want to take that assumption away. I want people to know that outward I may be one way, but I�ve got something underneath, and it�s not necessarily what one would assume from my outside/background. I guess this is sort of why most people that get piercings/tattoos get them. it really can become an addiction�it�s the realization that though you don�t become someone new with each piece of metal stuck in your body, you�re perceived by people in a new way. and you�re then free to be whoever you want, without the expectations of others holding you back. and this is something that I�ve wanted for a while�and I guess that�s the statement I�d like to make. only, part of me wonders if I�m making any statement at all. or what others will think. I like it, and I think I�ve got the right shaped face and that it looks cute, but then I�ve had some friends say that I shouldn�t do it, and my new roommate said that where she�s from (up North), it�s almost white-trashy. and I haven�t told my parents yet. I know I�m on my own and it doesn�t matter anymore what they think, but I still care. it�s one of those times where I�m insecure and want reinforcements to tell me that it looks good, but I know that�s so contrary to what piercings/tattoos are all about. it should be about me and expressing myself, yada, yada, yada. so, anyways, here�s to my first (and last?) real piercing experience�
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.