it's the beginning stages of depression for me.

it's just strange how something like this constantly haunts you. it's like depression never leaves you, the only way to beat it is to everyday choose not to give into it. it's like being an alcoholic - the temptation always lingers in the back of your mind for as long as you live.

there was no way to realize what coming out here would really be like, still, I glamorized it in my head. wanted it to be more. wanted it to be my freedom, a crazy, awesome, completely free time in my life...and it's not happening. I am no one in this huge city. I don't even want to try and describe it in fear of sounding like I'm just whining. maybe I just am.

I am seriously craving some intellectual stimulation. I need philosophical discussion; I�m not learning anything, my mind is dying. sure, you could get into a heated argument over politics with people here, but I don't give a rat's ass about politics. it'd be different if people could understand the more philosophical underlying principles behind all their political views - then I'd have something to discuss - but everyone is fanatically stuck on "rights" without ever questioning whether or not we inherently have them.

I don't know where to go, coffee shops, libraries, etc? I try looking up places on the internet, but this city is huge and trying to figure what is a good part of town, how to get there, etc, makes me feel even more lost and alone than I really am. I just feel like there's so much out there that I'm missing out on and I have no idea how to find them.

I'm starting to shrink back into myself. my mom and sister called today and I couldn't even make conversation with them. I'm sick of spending time with my roommate...she's always around and wanting to do something and I'm not one to say no and it's suffocating me. I want/need some independence.

being social usually makes me feel better. but the last two times I've gone out with my roommate (since I know no one else yet) have only made me feel guilty. she says she hates going out with me 'cause the guys come talk to me, not her. and I so I try to stand back and not draw attention 'cause I don't want to be like that, but then I hate it because I want my time to shine and I feel like I'm missing out on more opportunities.

I went to bed around 8pm tonight, saying I was tired, but really just so I wouldn't have to be surrounded by my roommates. I didn't want to be expected to go hang out in the hot tub, or carry on a boring conversation that would eventually turn into some political debate that would only frustrate me, 'cause like I said, I see the underlying philosophical questions and no one else allows themselves to go that far. plus, I knew that if I went to bed super early, I could wake up in the middle of the night and finally have some alone time to read, think or write in here.

this is a really long entry. I hope my life starts to pick up soon.

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.