Wednesday, Sept. 14, 2005 12:59 p.m.

fabulously fabulous

I like to use the term "fabulous" to mean, well, I'm not sure exactly, but it just makes sense to use sometimes.

I've been around a lot of fabulous people lately.

pretty people, stylish people, extroverted people, in-shape people, successful people.

I guess this is what I mean by fabulous.

I am a week and three days into the school year. I'm not even an actual "teacher". I don't make up lesson plans or anything - but still, I'm in school with kids everyday.

kids that come from fabulous parents.

I work in one of the best elementary schools in L.A. yes, that means it's in an affluent area. yes, it means that there could be famous people that send their kids here.

there was a school assembly the other morning. lots of parents were there. they all seemed to be fabulously fabulous. pretty. not at all what I'm used to parents looking like.

I went to a baby shower this weekend.

for the couple I talked about in an earlier entry � I went to their wedding in Vegas. the one who used to be in the �famous� Christian band when I was a teen. there was definitely music industry folk at the shower. aka fabulous people. fabulous young couples, actually. with kids with fabulously trendy and unique names.

we felt slightly out of place.

only not really.

we could be fabulous. we can be that couple. I may have to be that wife in the future. we�re not in the South out here, but some things remind me of the same social games.

my college years were full of inner struggle � I went to a Christian university in an ultra-conservative part of Texas. I despised the standard of beliefs and behaviors I was supposed to abide by. I hated the fakeness. I hated feeling like I had to lie to myself and play a game in order to survive.

what�s funny is that for some reason I thought that all of that would end once I graduated and moved away.

I think that another, perhaps sad, realization of grown-up life is that it doesn�t end.

not really ever. the motive behind the performance just changes.

I might go to a screening tonight. a free movie that doesn�t come out in normal theatres for another two weeks � I love screenings.

in 17 days, I will be his wife. a part of his life. and part of his life is his work and his dreams � and part of these are dependent on �playing the game�. and if need be, I will play that game with him.

I think I realized this just as I am writing right now, but I recognize the distinction between faking and being real. between fabulousness and authenticity. between the way I act on the outside and who I am on the inside.

I, me, on the inside, will not change. I�ve come to terms with who I am.

that me is not the me that everyone knows.

I reserve the real me for the select few. I like the real me better than the fake me. I feel that the ones who know the real me, though they know my bad sides as well, get to see the better part of me.

but I�m ok with showing most people the fake me. I�m ok with not being the same person on the outside as the inside. if I turned me inside-out, I�d be deep. I�d be real. I�d be shy. I�d be an introvert. but rightside-out, I�m normal. I�m cute. I�m fun. I�m social.

and if my rightside-out turns me fabulous, I will be ok with it. because I know it�s only playing a game. that it isn�t real. that�s it�s make-believe, pretend, dressing up.

my inside-out is still and always will be, in my opinion, my better side.

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