Wednesday, Sept. 14, 2011 9:55 p.m.

I swore I wouldn't complain

I swore I wouldn't complain. I swore I wouldn't complain. I swore I wouldn't complain.

But I'm about to complain.

K isn't home tonight and I'm extremely bored. I have no motivation for anything, because I feel like there no point in getting anything done. I don't know the time schedule of anything coming up and I've already prepared for everything that can be prepared beforehand.

They say you're supposed to have a "nesting" urge and burst of energy before it happens - well, I'm about the total opposite of that...so I suppose that means that it's never going to happen. A couple weeks ago? - TONS of energy. I'd work, work, work and I had motivation, motivation, motivation. I felt like exciting things were right around the corner and I couldn't wait to get it all together. I enjoyed the energy; I enjoyed getting things done.

Now I've just given up. Why clean? It could be a couple weeks still and things will just get dirty again. Why work so hard to get ahead for my job? I'm going on leave in only two days and everyone's already prepared for me to be gone at the drop of a hat, so I feel like they can already survive without me and I'm not needed.

Any other projects I'd like to start involve me moving around somehow or moving things or picking up things and I just feel so awkward when I move now and I don't want to do anything. I have very few things to wear that are still comfortable and I'm sick of them, so I don't feel like leaving the house, even to take the dog for a walk.

I'm just cranky. That's the best way to describe the mood I'm in. The whole purpose of my existence right now is just to pass time until it happens...and existing for nothing other than time is a really shitty way to spend your life each day.

My midwife comes again tomorrow. I was hoping last week would be the last one. Now I'm trying to get myself to expect at least 2 more so that I won't be disappointed. I don't want my midwife to come. I don't want to hear her go on and on about what I should be eating, or how much I should be drinking, or the exercises I should be practicing, or if I've made any decisions about vaccinations or circumcision or pain management methods. There is nothing left to talk about at these appointments - just check my blood pressure and the baby's heartbeat and let's be done with it, ok?

K's parents come into town tomorrow. Ugh, this means I have to start looking presentable and be polite. My mom, though trying not to bug me too much, keeps texting how I'm feeling - which is the polite way of asking if I'm showing ANY symptoms of it being soon and if they can book plane tickets. Nope. None of the textbook symptoms. Trust me, I'm searching for anything and everything that could be a clue (unless, can this current bout of crankiness count? please? can I have something?).

I know people are anxious. I'm anxious too. Actually, I'm anxious more.

But really, at this point, I can't imagine it actually happening on its own and I just want to go to sleep and ignore the world until I'm 2 weeks post due and they'll induce me and something will actually happen.

And now I get to be pissed at myself for writing this stupid entry and complaining even though I swore a million times I wouldn't complain about anything.

hmm... maybe I'll just pretend that it's not really complaining that I'm doing right now. Instead, it's just, um, VENTING and recording the my current emotions during these last days.

yeah right - I think we all know the truth.

blah.

previous | next