Saturday, Sept. 10, 2011 1:23 p.m.

39 weeks and freaking out about BFing

Here I am, a week away from my due date and knowing that at any point, I could go into labor. At any point, I could be only a matter of hours away from actually having a baby placed in my arms that is MINE and that I have/get to take care of.

While I've gotten very used to the feeling of this baby inside me and find it interesting how I can decipher where its back is and that I can see when its foot kicks out my side - but that I still can't claim that I've fully bonded with it. It's a person, yes, and I can sense that - but I still can't accept that it's going to be the same person that I will be holding in my arms within the next couple weeks. All this nursery stuff? It's for a baby that I'm going to get - but it's hard to imagine that it's for the baby that is currently INSIDE my awkwardly extended abdomen.

I didn't think I would ever really say this, and I feel a bit guilty about saying it: but I'm tired of being pregnant. It isn't so much even the physical discomforts of pregnancy - I can handle those - its that I'm so ready to jump into the new stage of life called parenthood and figure it out. I've done so much reading, from so many different books, and am trying to be the good prepared mother. But you know what? I know that I will have to develop my own routines and I cant really practice on anything until I actually have a kid and all of this is just stressing me out.

I just want to go into labor. That is my next step. I want to focus on it, and only it. It's a hard job that I'm going to have to get through...and I'm ready to begin the challenge.

I don't want to answer any questions about afterward. I don't want to think about vaccines. I don't want to think about circumcision if we have a boy. I don't want to think about all those newborn tests. And most of all - I don't want to think about breastfeeding.

They all told me that the weirdness factor of it would go away the later I got in pregnancy. Here I am, at 39 weeks, full term, and it still stresses me out far more than my upcoming labor does.

I am a logical person. Very logical. I'm good at convincing myself to follow logic, and what is right, rather than emotion, and what I "want" to do. Except about this.

I am terrified of that moment after I give birth, when I'll still be basking in the idea that a child came out of me, and my midwife asks me if I want to try to nurse. Terrified. I know that the baby will need the colostrum. I know that it can help encourage delivery of the placenta. I know its what I'm supposed to do and that I won't really have any other options at that point. But I don't want to do it. I don't want the midwife and anyone else there to be watching and critiquing and telling me how I'm supposed to be putting that brand new, and still strange, little creature on to my boob and let it latch on and suck out of it.

There's some typical questions that you get asked a lot when pregnant. I don't mind these questions; I know people are just curious. One of these questions is: are you going to breastfeed? It seems a strange question to me, but I answer it. And I answer it with "yes", or "I'm planning to". They then nod and say "good". But the truth is - I don't want to breastfeed. I answer yes because I'm supposed to answer yes. Because I don't want to hear people try to convince me of the health benefits of breast milk. I know the health benefits; I can read too.

I try to surround myself with breastfeeding info. I read lots of articles, I watch lots of breastfeeding videos in hope that seeing it enough, and feeling confident of correct placement methods so that I'll desensitize myself to the weirdness of it all and be able to do it. But then I always stumble upon those videos of 5, 6, 7, or 8 yr. olds nursing and it FREAKS ME OUT. All I can see is a little person latched on, like a leech, to their mothers breast. And it makes me so squeamish and sick to my stomach - and I'm normally pretty tough and don't get grossed out easily.

I'm willing to be patient to see if something does magically change with the rush of hormones right after birth. Maybe I will be able to do it. Maybe it won't be so bad. I'm not completely dismissing the idea and this is why I answer "I'm planning to" when asked if I will breastfeed. But if I can't do it, and if my feelings on this don't change - then I'm not ashamed to give up on it either.

Oddly enough, the idea of pumping doesn't freak me out as much. I got a manual pump and I was able to investigate it, on my own time, and see how it attached and how it suctions and how it works. It's a slightly weird thought to hook myself up to a mini machine and extract milk from my body, but it's also kind of interesting to think that my body can produce something is such quantity that it could sustain a life. I'm somewhat more comfortable with the idea of a pump; after all - I control it. It will only be latched to me if I choose to latch it to me. A pump, unlike an infant, will not form an attachment, either emotional or hunger-dependent, to my breast and my breast will not form an attachment to it. I can handle that better.

I don't know why I still can't get over the idea of breastfeeding.

But either way - I'd rather just have the kid here so I can start figuring out hat new part of my life instead of sitting here stressing about things I can't do anything about at the moment. Come little baby, come!

p.s. 9/10/11 would be a good birthday...

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