Monday, Sept. 16, 2002 2:36 a.m.

I hate...well, EVERYTHING!!

yeah, so the only reason I'm up this late is because I'm typing an essay that's due tomorrow, but to be honest, I'd much rather be doing fun things, like checking my email or writting in my journal - so this is now what I'm doing.

Sometimes, I just hate myself. I hate everything that I am, everything that makes me me. I hate the fact that I live only to achieve the next goal I've set for myself. Life is strange and I'm still figuring it out, but till then, the only reason I keep going is to accomplish the little things I tell myself that I'm going to and then try to find a sense of purpose or joy in the process of those achievements. To many people, it's not a very good life, to live goal-to-goal, but it's my life. I still haven't found any other sensible reason to keep going.

I hate that I think too much, that I take all the feeling, all the mystery out of life. I only let myself enjoy emotions when I consciously make the decison to allow myself. I hate that life is like this - that in and out of itself, the only meaning in anything is not inherrent, we assign the meaning to it. I hate that I can't voice these thoughts to other people, that I can't look to others to see how they make it through life when they allow themselves to think about how meaningless it all is. I hate that I am one of the very, very few to think this far into life and meaning. I want to be ignorant like every other normal person.

I hate wanting for others to like me, and then I hate not knowing any other way to be. If I didn't care about being the best I can and having others think of me favorably, then what else would I care about? Caring about what people think of me is the thing that keeps me from being cranky while waiting on people at work, or keeps me from yelling at the girls at camp when they started to get overwhelming. Is caring about what people think of you really such a bad thing?

I also sometimes hate the fact that people can read this diary. I hate feeling like I'm writting for an audience, I hate feeling the need to explain myself, like others will judge. And then, I can't really say that I do hate it - I love it when someone adds me as a favorite diary, or emails me. But, in the same way I love it, I also HATE that I love it, that I am so stupid as to even care.

I just hate a whole lot of things right now. mostly things about myself. but, I have been kinda cranky today (another bad Sun. morning church-going crowd at the resturant), so I guess I should dissregard this entire entry. I know me; I'll complain it all out in here and then knowing that I still have things to get done and that I still have to keep going - I will. I'll get back on track and head, once more, to my current goal that is keeping me going. And then I'll be fine. I'll be happy, I'll have fun, and all will be well. But, just occasionally, I need to have these little vent sessions - I'm going to go crazy this semester without them.

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