Wednesday, Sept. 28, 2005 10:39 p.m.
hours now
last night I went out to eat with my fianc�s parents for the first time. our table was outside in one of the super touristy places where other people can walk by.
have you ever caught a random eye in a crowd and for a brief second shared a moment of recognition...only they pass by so fast that you are never able to be sure if your mind is playing a trick on you or if that really was a person you knew?
I'm not sure if I saw the only other guy I've ever dated last night.
and the possibility stayed in my mind for awhile. and made me think...
my fianc� knows about that guy. but he didn't know me then. he didn't know me in college, or high school, or when I had my first crush, or who I was in middle school. and I don't really know the same about him.
sure, I can know. but I'll never really know.
is it wrong that I ever had feelings for this other guy once? that I shared moments with him that my fianc� will never fully know about? and not only that I had those moments, but that I felt during them. that I shared something with another person that I will never share with him - that there will always be a part of myself that is separate from my fianc�, my almost-husband. I will always have my own moments. I will always exist as a separate human being as he will always exist separately from me too.
we've gotten frustrated with each other this week more than we ever have before. after awhile, another person brings out the worst in you. and last minute wedding stress doesn't help things either.
but it's almost like every little argument makes it more apparent how much I love him and want to make things work with him. we truly are two separate people with two separate sets of personalities, two different ideas of how to do things, and two different sets of memories that neither of us can ever touch...but god, I just love him. it's not even a feeling anymore. I'm so intertwined with him. it's as though we are one, though we are two.
65 hours away. it's so incredibly surreal. how am I a grown-up already?
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.