Tuesday, Oct. 22, 2002 12:44 a.m.

taking chances with my heart

It has offically been my birthday for about 45 min. now, but it won't feel like it until I fall asleep and wake up. but anyways, that's not what this entry is going to be about. Instead, it's going to be about love and romantic relationships.

I have a whole essay about love and marriage on my site (the above link). A lot of people come visit that part. I wrote it almost 3 years ago though. I sounded so sure of everything I thought. While I do, for the most part, still stand by everything that I said then, so much of my thinking has changed as I've progressed through college. People all around me are getting engaged; my thoughts have had to change. I now think that love is so much different and yet so much the same as what I worte.

I'm also saying this at a time where I am seriously interested in a guy unlike I've ever been. I don't know if he knows this, and I'm scared to death to make myself vulnerable and present these feelings. I don't want to be just a stupid girl and get emotionally involved in something that isn't really there. I guard my heart more than anyone I know, and that's why I'm afraid to take the chance of letting it be broken.

I've had large crushes before, but never one where the guy honestly stays on my mind all the time. I have secretly liked him since we first stayed up talking all night long at the begining of the semester. My interest in him has grown in and out of other things since then, but mostly, he had just greatly intriguged me and in turn, I think I somewhat intriguged him. I'm happy around him, I'm comfortable enough to be my true self, whoever that may be. He makes me feel like I have the ability to do the things I've always wanted to do, but was too inhibited to. But he dosen't know this; I never knew if he felt anything back for me, or if I was just another of his good friends. then there was Saturday...

I've never been so drunk in my entire life. It's because of other reasons; I didn't realize how much I was drinking and empty stomachs are no good. What I remember from the night:
~he got me to dance with him. yes, I was tipsy, but I never, ever, ever dance. I've alwyas been too scared, always felt too held back. I only danced for a mintute or two, but I think I surprised us both.
~I remember talking to his roommate in some semi-drunken conversation and his roommate telling me that who he really wanted to hook up with was me,
~and here's the thing that gets me: I got trashed that night. I remember being in the bathroom puking and him sitting behind me holding my hair back. I kept apoligizing to him for getting so drunk. I felt horrible for allowing myself to do that. What I found out later was that he sat in the bathroom with me for the entire half hour I was puking. Who does that? even if he is not seriously interested in me, he still earns my respect. He completely took care of me and I'm sure I was not a pretty sight to behold.

He reads me, he can tell if I'm not saying what I'm thinking and that freaks me out, especially since I've become such a master at hiding things about me the past few years. But not necessarily freaks me out in a bad way. anyways, I think we may both like each other, but this is all new territory for me. I'm used to crushing on guys and they don't like me back, or being liked by a guy that I don't like. I don't know what to do with this (perhaps) mutual interest for each other. And then, I'm not really scared. Because, I'm comfortable with him, I really am. I don't feel like I have to be anyone in particular around him. I can be me, even me who is the biggest dork sometimes.

I'm just not used to falling for someone like this. I really hope that things turn out. I'm taking chances with my heart here that I'm not used to taking.

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