Sunday, Sept. 29, 2002 8:17 p.m.

more time and stuff to think about

If I had Aladdin's lamp and could have any three wishes, I'd want MORE TIME, MORE TIME, and then, of course, I'd throw in 3 MORE WISHES in there at the end! but still, I need more time!! I'm sick of feeling like I can't get everything done even if I wanted to. Then I get overwhemed and don't want to do anything, so I come proscratinate and write in this diary thing. It doesn't help me get anything accomplished, but hey, at least it helps me slightly unstress and reason that in the end none of this school stuff really matters. I seriously doubt in life that anyone will deny me a job simply because I can't write a great essay on industrialization during the 1920's or that I don't remember which planets don't have moons. It will be OK. I will get through this week. I will graduate and I will find a job somewhere. It will all be OK.

I went camping this weekend with my family. It was nice. I could camp my entire life. Outside is the place for me. Who needs air conditioning? I know I'm like the only person who would ever say this, but if air conditioning had never been invented, I think I'd still be OK. I might even be a happier person.

anyways, I got to talk to my aunt. see, I have a cousin that I grew up with. He's my exact same age and he got married in May of my senior year in high school. He now has two little girls. He was in Georgia in the Army, but about a month or two ago, he was honorably discarged. He ended up coming home w/the girls, w/o his wife. That's all I knew and I had a feeling it was one of those things I shouldn't probably ask about. Well, I got to talk to my aunt and find out what really had been going on. to make the story short, his wife had never really been taking responsibility for the kids, she went out with friends all the time, she cheated on him twice. He was having a hard time finding places for the kids to stay when she would just decide to not come home and he needed to leave for work. it just was a real bad situation. I guess there were other things too, but when my cousin ended up getting discharged for having ADHD and money problems and everything just hit him at once, he snaped and ended up in the hospital with slit wrists.

I didn't know any of this until last night. My cousin was there camping with us (he's now staying with his mother, my aunt), along with his precious, cute little girls. I can only imagine why he would just want to be dead. It makes me wonder why I ever feel justified in being depressed and wanting to die. What huge problems do I face? I many times hate life and see no reason for continuing? what crap. I don't have 2 kids, a cheating husband, financial debt; I haven't just been discharged from the very program which I loved and could provide me with most of my medical and financial needs. wow. it just really made me wonder and feel ashamed for ever allowing myself to wallow in my poor, own little self-misery. I'm so selfish.

Another thing that made me wonder: what if my cousin had ever accidently stumbled upon my little website? not that he has, but people in his situation, or feeling as hopeless as he did, have. I guess it brings more of a face and a story to any "hit" on my site. I admit, sometimes it's hard for me think of people out there in internetland as people, real poeple, and not just their words that pop up on my screen. But it really changes my view on all that. It's all just been a bunch to think about.

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