Wednesday, Oct. 05, 2005 8:59 a.m.
they call me mrs. p
I'm not fully sure what to say in this entry, but I feel a sort of obligation to write one right now.
I wasn't expecting it to feel any different, and the past 4 days have met my expectation.
I got married on saturday. october 1st. my new anniversary date.
I want to laugh everytime I say 'husband'. I feel like I'm playing a game everytime I realize that I'm 'married'. the pictures my aunt got developed look like someone else - like a real bride and groom, not me and him.
yet I'd be lying to say that I haven't noticed any difference at all. it's weird. it's legal. I am legally bound to this guy. there's a whole future there with him that I cannot know, cannot see, yet we're going to be there together.
sometimes that scares me - am I sure I want something that permanent in my life? will it get boring? but on the other hand, it's comforting to know that something will be there with me and won't ever change. part of me feels freeer now, part of me feels more confined.
I think my biggest fear is other people's perspectives. do I become boring once I am married? why does the word "married" conjure up images of boringness? I'll admit - I don't even want to read people's diaries if they are married. why? because they are boring. all they talk about is him or her.
I don't want to be like that. I swear I don't. my life is now partnered with him and so my decisions affect him and vice versa - but I am still my own person with my own thoughts and feelings, and decisions, and actions.
I think this is the part about marriage that people forget about when viewing a married couple. and what they think makes them boring.
or maybe not. I don't know. I just know that it is funny to me to be able to claim that I am married now. and I really hope I never become boring.
I don't know if this entry met the obligation I felt I had in writing it...but yeah, here it is.
we're leaving for the honeymoon today. yay sex. and thank god the sex fast is finally over. :)
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.