Saturday, Oct. 08, 2005 3:56 p.m.

what's important?

so here I am - smack dab in the middle of my honeymoon - with an overwhelming desire to add something to my online diary.

(honeymoons are funny things. people don't call or bother you - they're too afraid they might be interrupting some crazy raunchy sex or something. but really, the truth is: a) why would we stop in the middle of having crazy raunchy sex to answer a phone call?? we wouldn't, we'd just keep going and call back later. don't worry about interrupting us. :) and b) as crazy as it sounds, people do occasionally have to take a break from sex - you know, shower, eat, sleep, rest, lounge - and along with tv, free internet in the rooms is always a great distraction.)

but yeah.

since my last entry, my mind has been on a lot of things. dannyboyk2 and iamnicodemus� notes kinda affected me. am I so afraid of becoming boring because I feel it is inevitable, and I'm just trying to deny it? do I keep this diary to write about things that are important to me? and is my relationship to this guy the only thing that's important to me? is my focus becoming too narrow?

me and revisions were both the maid-of-honor at each others weddings. we both felt the same kind of sadness and worry that each other would change and no longer be our best friend. heart-to-heart talks accompanied both times.

but she said something last time that has stayed with me - not necessarily because of what she said, but because of hat it triggered in me to begin noticing.

it's not boringness I fear - but shallowness.

I feel like I have, or once had, an opportunity for depth, for thinking, for problem-solving, for creativity, for passion, etc. that I was provided a gift (or curse, depending on how you view it) of thinking differently, of well, being different than the rest of the world - and least of all, being shallow.

but I feel that I'm becoming shallow. and that life is forcing me to do so. I work with kindergarteners. my social circle are industry folks. functioning in the real world has become an issue of survival, the idealism of non-conformity no longer sustains.

I've had this online diary for over 4 years. I think about it with probably far too much frequency. it has oddly become a very important thing in my life. my husband even knows the precedence diaryland has in my life and will not bother me while writing.

but why have I given it such importance in my life?

I don't know if I write for myself or for what I want others to think. I think I tend to view myself through others perspectives of me.

I write entries hoping that others can hopefully relate to me. and I to them.

this is why I am so deathly afraid of becoming boring.

because, at this moment, all these new discoveries and feelings of realizing that I'm married are huge things to experience, and they are weighing heavy on my mind.

I want to write about these things, but I'm not interested in relating to the people who can relate to me.

I realize this is a very selfish of me - but I'm not sure if I should change what I write or who I wish to relate to.

(why, after writing, do I sometimes just want to delete the whole thing and puke from the disgust of having written it? I think too much and can't ever clearly bring my thoughts to any meaning that satisfies me. ugh.)

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