Tuesday, Oct. 08, 2002 1:23 p.m.

boys�can I shoot myself in the head now?

This semester is killing me. I�m stressed. But that�s not while I�m writing. Things are happening to me and I feel like I�m finally growing out of my awkward ugly duckling stage and seeing that I really do have the capacity to be a swan if I want. (ok, so it�s a stupid parallel, but it makes sense what I�m talking about, right?) it�s all such a weird time in my life right now and I�m trying to figure it out and know what I want.

boys...oh wow, I feel so silly writing about something like this. Things are changing so much for me this year. I feel like a stupid highschooler who doesn�t know what they want to do about guys. I never was the girl anyone liked in high school, I mean, people liked me, but guys were never attracted to me in a romantic sort of way. picture Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember. yeah, that�s me, only I wasn�t as nerdy. Maybe I�ve finally figured myself out and so I�m so much more open to flirting and just enjoying guys company. I�m actually at the point where I feel like I can have a crush that isn�t just from afar. I can actually make something come out of it possibly. how crazy is that? I mean, for real? Guys can be so much fun. why had I always felt so restricted in that department before? why was I afraid?

OK, so I�ve got these two guys right now. guy A and guy B. both are friends I�ve known for a few years, but I was always too innocent to be really close to them. Plus, I always thought they were so far above me, and I so far below. Guy A was in one of my first semester freshmen classes and I thought he was so hot right off the top, but he was one of those guys I thought would never like me. he was nice to me and we were casual friends, but not in any other way. Guy B didn�t really catch my eye til sophomore year. He just always had this air about him that was intriguing, like there was something inside him. He was also a casual friend, a friend of a friend. I�d be lying if I said I wasn�t attracted to him, cause I was, but he seemed much more, well, knowledgeable about the world than me, and I was almost scared to be attracted to him.

Yeah, so both of these guys are roommates this year and I�ve gotten to know them better over the years and am more comfortable with them. The crushes kinda died, but I still always thought they were cool guys. This year I�ve started hanging out with them like never before. Theirs is the house I go over all the time. They are the guys I go drink with when I do. And to be honest, I go over there so much because they are there. They know who I am. I mean, they know that I don�t really claim to be christian, they know about me getting depressed and wanted to kill myself. AND THEY STILL ARE MY FRIENDS. that amazes me. And I�m growing to discover that those old crushes are creeping back. Both of them. They are attractive, both in different ways and it scares me because I�ve never, ever, ever had a problem were I felt like I don�t know who I want. to be honest, I�ve never even come close to the opportunity before. Not that I could necessarily get either, of course, but I think it�s wrong to over there and flirt with both, you know? Should I not go over there? ahh!!!!!!! there�s so much that I�m not saying about all this stuff right now, but already I sound so stupid for letting this eat at my thoughts the way it has. There�s so much more involved and I�ve just never had problems with what to do about guys before and I don�t want to appear full of myself or think that something�s there that isn�t. but I just don�t know what to do.

Why is my last year of college doing this to me, when I don�t have the time? why am I just now discovering all the things I could�ve been doing all those other years when I was so inhibited by everything? why am I just now beginning to feel like a normal person? What is happening to me? Am I betraying my old self, my true self? Or am I finally discovering the person I truly want to be? I don�t know. I�m so confused.

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