Monday, Oct. 17, 2011 7:44 p.m.
closing the chapter
I was reading on my ttc/pregnancy message boards yesterday. There was a post on there titled "I hate pregnant women". I opened the thread, and the woman who posted it had been trying for about 4-5 months and was sick of seeing pregnant women. Some other users chimed in too, stating how they defriended every pregnant friend or friend with a newborn on facebook, or how they gave mean looks to the even pregnant woman they saw at the store, etc. I know the thread was meant as a venting thread, and I've been there and understand that - but the thread still made me sad to read.
Obviously, as evidenced in previous diary entries - getting pregnant was not easy for me, and when it did happen, it was hard for me to accept and talk about with others. I never wanted to be one of the women that the women in the above thread disliked; I always tried to be so super careful not to upset anyone else who may be out there and secretly trying to conceive with no luck.
In fact, because of that, it took awhile for me to be joyful about my own pregnancy; instead, I often felt guilty for my belly. But after reading that post yesterday - I realize that I can't let the bitterness of the previous time in my life affect me or my joy in now being a mother. I need to officially close that chapter of my life.
Those two years will always be an important time of my life. It was a struggle in our marriage - but it also strengthened our marriage. I wonder if it also now allows me to feel even greater happiness when I look into C's face. I am just so unbelievably happy and feel so unbelievably blessed. Holding her in my arms as I'm typing this just feels so right; I've known it for a long time and I've even written about it before: I was meant to be a mother and I now feel a fulfillment I've been waiting to feel my whole life.
I have no idea if we'll be able to have other kids. I don't know if when the times comes we'll face a similar, or even more difficult challenge in trying to conceive them. But what I do know is that I am no longer going to give into the guilt of having a healthy child and I will no longer allow myself to continue to carry the bitterness of others.
I will of course always be sensitive to others and I will always censor myself so that I don't come across as bragging of my good fortune - but I just want to enjoy this amazing time in my life right now and it's time to move on.
To everything there is a season and the reason I suffer through some seasons is so I can enjoy seasons like the one I have now - so I will enjoy it.
This little sleeping baby is the coolest thing ever.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.