Wednesday, Oct. 19, 2011 1:47 p.m.

lost friendship

I live in California. About 3 years ago, during the 2008 election, there was a pretty big ballot initiative on our ballots - Prop 8 - that would define marriage to mean one man and one woman. If you've never heard of it, it was a pretty big deal. And though it passed, is still being fought in courts.

I voted for Prop 8. And considering that I was in my 20s and living in Los Angeles, and that most of my friends/acquaintances worked in the more liberal entertainment industry - I was very much out of the norm.

One day during late October 2008, when politics were heating up, I reluctantly decided to publicly post something on facebook about being a supporter of Prop 8. I didn't post to change anyone's mind or try to start a debate. I simply wanted to let people know that not everyone who supported Prop 8 was a redneck, religious, intolerant old white man. I consider myself to be a logical and kind person and didn't want to be stereotyped either.

It was a simple note, explaining the non-religious reasons I supported it. That was it. And while I felt that it was important that I not back down and hide my beliefs about the issue, I also was absolutely terrified to post it. It was a hot-button issue for many people, and with the way so many of them seemed to post facebok statues about with such vengeance - I was terrified that I would lose friends.

But I still felt like it was right to quietly stand up for my beliefs. So I did.

There was very little initial backlash. A couple comments on my post, but never anything said to me in person. I never brought it up to people, they never brought it up to me. I put it out there and I'm sure others saw it - but I never debated it in person, nor did anyone bring it up to me. The subject was dropped.

On the surface.

To be honest, I still feel like it's one of the main reasons that I still don't feel like I've opened up to any of the friends we've had for years. None of them really know me. I feel like there's this wall that we never cross - they probably don't pursue it because they think I'm too conservative and will disagree with them; I don't pursue it because I'm afraid they will judge me instead of accepting that I have a dissenting opinion. So we don't talk about too much. They probably also just think I'm shy.

I'm not shy. This is the great secret about me that most people don't know. I'm hesitant when I don't know what to say - but I'm not shy. People don't scare me. If I know what to say, I can go up to anyone; I have no fear.

What I am afraid of and will do anything to avoid: being misjudged. I would rather no one really ever know me if it means that they don't make an incorrect assumption. But I really miss having garrulous conversations where I don't have to think about what I'm saying and can truly enjoy myself.

(actually, I find that a lot of girls want to know about what labor was life and what it's like having a kid - they're curious for themselves at a future date - so this actually gives me something, in depth, to talk about...but I know this topic will wear itself out soon. And then what do I talk about? My kid? I don't want to be that person who has nothing else to talk about.)

All this is on my mind because I found out that I lost a friend because of that 2008 facebook post. Well, even worse, I lost a friend of K's. A good friend. A friend he didn't deserve to loose because of my (not K's) brief vocalization of my belief.

K and I used to be really good friends with this one couple. Close friends. We'd do stuff with them at least every other week. They lived nearby. It was great. But in the fall of 2008, we slowly fell out of touch. I got super busy with my first year teaching, we went to England and I think we had to cancel on a birthday dinner once due to stress. Then the holidays came up and before we knew it, we hadn't seen or really talk to that couple in months. We tied to re-connect, but it never happened. They seemed to never return our calls, or be unable to commit to a date to meet up. More months passed and we kind of started drifting apart. K and I were never able to put two and two together for what when wrong with our friendship, but we left it at what it was. Even though it made us sad.

About a year ago, late 2010, I finally caught up with the girl for lunch. We chatted about our lives. I told her how sad K and I were that we had lost touch, as we considered them good friends. She told me that they had gotten upset when we canceled on that birthday dinner, and apparently we had never apologized either. They were then going through a difficult time and just kind of started cutting off friends. She apologized for this childish behavior, but mentioned that it was mostly her more stubborn husband who initiated it all. I also apologized for everything and that I dearly wished that we'd known that we offended them; they were good friends that we didn't want to lose.

Then things got busy again, and we lost touch again. She facebooked me last week, having seen that we had a baby, and we decided to meet up for lunch today.

It was a nice lunch, and I'm determined to stay in touch this time. But something interesting came out during the lunch that depresses me. It's funny how with time, the truth sometimes surfaces. Apparently her husband also has difficultly being friends with people whom he strongly disagrees with politically - and my facebook note, way back around Nov. 2008, had made him decide that we were not worth maintaining a friendship over.

So I guess I officially lost a friend because of my belief on Prop 8. Or, even worse, I lost a really good friend of K's. I'm ok if her husband feels strong enough that he doesn't want to speak to me again - but to assume that K shares my beliefs and to defriend him as well? This makes me very, very sad.

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