Tuesday, Oct. 18, 2005 10:52 p.m.
my thunder is about to be stolen
I don�t think I�m supposed to know this yet, but I just found out that my sister is going to be getting engaged very soon. her boyfriend talked to our dad at MY wedding!!
yes, this is my perfect sister I�m insanely jealous I was talking about in that earlier entry.
I can�t believe that he talked to him at MY wedding!!! my poor dad! my poor family! how can she do this to them? how can he?? I don�t think they realize how much stress and money goes into a wedding�or else they wouldn�t have done this right now. they couldn�t have.
yes, I�m having a stupid jealous girl moment right now. but I�ve always been so jealous of her as it is. and I haven�t even gotten used to being married yet. I haven�t ordered my pictures. I still have a California reception that we�re hosting this weekend!! let me bask in my post-weddingness for awhile!!!
am I being too selfish? probably. but really. I mean, I like the guy and I knew they would eventually get married, but now that I hear that they will for sure be engaged before december � I�m hurting. both for myself and for my family. my sister doesn�t know what a wedding costs. she�ll expect my parents to pay. she doesn�t know the stress. she stresses WAY more than me. she is WAY more of a perfectionist than me. she likes pretty things WAY more than me. she doesn�t realize. she doesn�t. my family. my poor family. too much has happened in a year. my close family. I feel like we�ve all been forced to grow up this year. if only I had know last Christmas that that was the end.
I can�t take it. well I can. and I will. cause I have no other choice.
but Christmas is going to be hard though this year - in a new house and with me married�AND now another one engaged. I feel like my family is in shock right now � how much more can we handle?
she�s just so perfect as it is. and she�s stealing my thunder, it was bad enough that people look at MY wedding pictures and one of the first things out of their mouths is �who�s that girl? she�s hot. is she a model?�!!!!
ahh!!! I just want something. it�s hard being in a big family. you work so hard to be special and unique in some way�and it never works�someone always overshadows you�and you'd think being the oldest, you wouldn't feel like this...
why is this bothering me so much?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.