Sunday, Oct. 19, 2003 10:27 p.m.

a week without diaryland

it should be more. maybe next week I�ll try again.

I think if we don�t watch ourselves, we can let the internet become our friend, our confidant, our self-assurance, and the object of too much of our time�and I guess I wasn�t watching myself close enough.

is it bad that whenever I would start thinking about anything, whether I was at work, in my car, in the shower, or doing my laundry, I would almost immediately start thinking about how I should write that thought so that it�d make the most sense in a journal entry? it was beginning to be like I couldn�t think without feeling some weird obligation to add my new �enlightening thought� to my little online journal sanctuary, so that my vain, egotistical self could be satisfied thinking that someone out there would read my �enlightening thought� and would think I�m smart, or witty, or cute, or intelligent, or interesting or anything else that would make me be worthy enough to be read.

though I probably never wrote about it or acted like it in here, I was getting nearly obsessed. if, after I�d written an entry, I realized that I sounded of lower caliber than I thought I should, I�d hurry to write another (hopefully better) entry, so that if anyone was to stumble upon my diary, they�d be intrigued enough to read some more of my entries/essays and find ME intriguing. I was always aware of how many people had me listed as a favorite diary (as of last week, 22), and secretly determined not to let that fall lower than 19. I knew that 4 people had entries of mine listed as favorites. I wondered what amazing piece of my writing should make up my 200th entry. I would come up with good titles to my would-be future entries.

why did I think about these things?? why do I care??

I love diaryland. I think that�s my problem. so, I gave myself a bit of a reality check � not only have I not added an entry in a week, but I haven�t even stepped foot on the diaryland domain at all. I left up my retarded Harry Potter entry as my most recent entry, I read no one else�s diaries, I didn�t check to see if anyone new added me as a favorite or took me off their favorites list. I had been spending at least an hour a day on diaryland � it was becoming an addiction.

I have to occasionally remind myself that life does exist in the day-to-day, away from diaryland. it is nice to know that others out there are able to eloquently voice their thoughts and that many have the same thoughts as me. It�s nice to have a �little online journal sanctuary� where I can go and write out the crap (and make no mistake, it IS crap) that�s in my head and know that someone else may possibly read it � so that I may be worthy of taking up but one small corner of the world wide web, worthy of taking up space and worthy of being alive.

I�m going to have to watch myself more closely in the future. Life is better if you live it and don�t just spend it observing yourself and others observing themselves.

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